Some interesting sayings...

"That was/ he looks/ she looks... rougher than a bear turd rolling in fish hooks..."

"She could make a train take a dirt road..."

"A face that could stop a clock..."

"She has to sneak up on a glass of water..."

"Was beat with an ugly stick..."

"She could scare the moss off a rock..."

"Fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down..."

"Breath that could knock a buzzard off a shitwagon..."

"Sweating like a whore in church..."

"Colder than the heart of a Belgian whore..."

"Hotter than a Friday night fuck..."

"Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock..."

"Hotter than a June bride in a featherbed..."

"Rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock..."

"Slower than molasses runnin' uphill on a cold day..."

"Darker than God's pockets..."

"Dumber than a bag of claw hammers..."

"Drier than a dead dingo's donga..."

"I wouldn't piss on his head if he was on fire..."

"Crazier than a shithouse rat..."

"More tongue than a Mountie's boot..."

"More lip than a coal bucket..."

"More lip than a cow's cunt..."

"Stronger than mule piss with the foam farted off..."

"Finer than frog hair..."

"Drunker than a cowboy on Saturday night..."

"Slicker than cat shit on a linoleum floor." Redd Foxx

"Richer than six foot up a bull's ass..."

"Tighter than a bull's ass on fight night..."

"Tighter than a bull's ass during fly season..."

"Shaking like a dog fuckin' a keg of nails..."

"Shivering like a dog shitting razor blades..."

"Hunched over like a dog fucking a football..."

"Grinnin' like a possum eatin' shit out of a light socket..."

"Nervous as a dog shittin' peach pits..."

"Funnier than homemade dog shit..."

"No bigger than a pint of piss..."

"Queerer than a three dollar bill..."

"Smoother than a baby's ass..."

"Funnier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest..."

"Funnier than a one legged midget in an ass-kicking contest..."

"Funnier than a midget toss..."

"Busier than a one-armed paperhanger with the crabs..."

"Hornier than a two-peckered billy goat..."

"Fatter than a shithouse spider..."

"Slicker than the devil in velvet pants..."

"Sharp as a bowling ball..."

"Slicker than two eels fuckin' in a bucket of snot..."

"Standing there like a heifer in heat..."

"Grinnin' like a cat eatin' shit out of a hairbrush..."

"Slicker than shit through a tinhorn..."

"Colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassiere..."

"Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey..."

"Colder than a well digger's ass..."

"Colder than Grampa's prick..."

"Happier than a pig in shit..."

"Hotter than the hinges of Hell...", or the original:

"Hotter than the hobs of Hell..."

"Tighter than the bark on a tree..."

"Shinnin' like a diamond in a goat's ass..."

"As graceful as a deflated basketball..."

"Darker than inside a cow..."

"Grinning' like a shit eatin' possum..."

"Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine..."

"Happier than Michael Jackson in Boys' Town..."

"Hornier than a three-balled tomcat..."

"Hungry enough to eat the ass out of a skunk..."

"Prettier than puppy turds..." (Really, really, really pretty!)

"Smarter than a tree full of owls..."

"Faster than a cat can lick its ass..."

"Meaner than cat shit..."

"Sucks like a bucket of ticks..."

"Nervous as a whore in church..."

"Hungrier than a gutted snow bird..."

"Tougher than a 10-year-old rooster..."

"Weaker than puppy piss..."

"Faster than a dog can raise his leg..."

"Excited as a blind lesbian in a tuna cannery..."

"Louder than two skeletons fuckin' on a tin roof..."

"Slicker than greased owl shit..."

"Slicker than snot on a glass door knob..."

"Tighter than a crab's ass..." (That's waterproof, folks).

"Wilder than a peach orchard boar..."

"Worthless as a cup of cold piss..."

"Ugly enough to scare a bulldog off a gut wagon..."

"Drier than a popcorn fart..."

"Drier than sand..."

"Hotter than a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire..."

"Uglier than death with a hangover..."

"Funnier than a fart in a space suit..."

"Funnier than Ex-Lax in a diarrhea ward..."

"Uglier than a dead monkey in moonlight..."

"Funnier than a pay toilet in the diarrhea ward..."

"Funnier than parents' night at the orphanage..."

"Confusing as Fathers Day in the projects..."

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There are of course dozens more, no doubt. But it's Thursday and I'm lazy today.

So... there you have it. :)