A Primer on Government info lines...

This is going to be my effort to de-mystify the world of government information phone lines. I will attempt to lay out as best I can, what they can and cannot do for you, as well as why they have the limitations that they do.

What they provide:

- Government info lines provide information on the programs and services delivered by their particular federal department or agency. This would include information on the service itself, applications, eligibility and contacts for a regional office such as address, phone, fax and e-mail. They do not provide information on the programs or services of other federal government departments, whether you think they should be related or not. Remember that just because you happen to think a specific federal department should be able to provide information on a certain topic, does not make it so.

What they do not provide:

- Federal government information lines do not provide information on programs and services which are provided by provincial or municipal governments. Many callers have no comprehension of the division of responsibilities between the various levels of government (federal, provincial and municipal). The office of the Prime Minister is not responsible for the garbage pick up on your street, contrary to what some woman in BC believed. The federal government is not responsible for Social Assistance (Welfare) in any of Canada's provinces or territories. The provinces and territories are. No part of the Canadian federal government, is responsible for shark finning which might be taking place in oceans three continents away. As unbelievable as this might sound, there are those who believe that Fisheries and Oceans Canada can arbitrarily shut down a fishery in a foreign country. I'm thinking: "Put the crack pipe down and back away slowly...". We regularly encounter such wonderful examples of howling ignorance. The federal government is not responsible for issuing freshwater, recreational fishing licenses in your area. Again, that's your provincial or territorial government. Just to give you an example of how thick some people are, we have just finished responding by e-mail for the 6th time, to a woman from Ontario. She is looking for information on commercial fishing license buy-outs in the Great Lakes region. Commercial AND recreational fisheries within the Province of Ontario, fall under the jurisdiction abd management of the provincial Ministry of Natural Resources... NOT the department of Fisheries and Oceans Canada (obviously part of the federal government).

- Government information lines do not provide information that stems from either common knowledge or common sense. Don't laugh here. As a conservative estimate, I would rate a good 40% of all the calls we receive, as being from people looking for information that most folks get from their parents before they reach the age of 8. Seriously... I can't tell you why you shouldn't walk in front of a moving bus, or tell you why you should actually wear a life jacket when onboard a boat. I can't convert Kilowatt-Hours into Horsepower for you. Nor can we convert litres to gallons for you. Call your Mom... Call centre personnel are not permitted to offer information from personal experience, from printed material, from websites or from a phone book either. These clear divisions over what we can or cannot provide as information, are all governed by what is called the mandate of the line.

What is a 'mandate'?

Simply put, the mandate of any particular government information line is the operating parameters the Information Officer must operate within. The mandate is what dictates not only what information we provide, it also lays out how that information should be delivered, the greeting, allowable hold periods and how to end the call. It governs every step of a call from the moment the line beeps in our headset, to the moment the call is terminated.
It is also the mandate which provides us the means of giving an ignorant caller the heave-ho. We're here to provide information, not to take shit from any of our callers, be they irate or not. To operate outside the mandate of the line can cost an Information Officer their job, so don't ask them to...

Another preconception held by many callers, is the makeup of the government itself. It is largely assumed when the caller learns that you are located in Ottawa, that you frequently have lunch with the Prime Minister and are a regular guest at the Governor General's residence as well. That we are privy to every decision-making process affecting the lives of Canadians everywhere. They also believe in their mind's eye, that the federal government is a small, closely-knit group of people, who occupy the same small building and are all fully aware of the goings-on in each other's departments. I can't begin to tell you how much this is NOT HOW IT IS!!!

The federal government is made up of literally hundreds of different departments and agencies. Each one is in turn made up of dozens of sub-departments, each one having it's own prograns, services and information. They each have representatives in every province and territory, from sea to shining sea. And Canada is a very, very big country. A fact I find myself having to inform callers of, on a regular basis.

Automated Lines.

When you reach many automated lines within the federal government (we're not automated, live service only...), you will be greeted initially by a telemessage. This is a recorded menu that will give you information on services/information available from the service you have reached. It will be followed or accompanied by a list of options and directions for contacting these options. (Press 1 for... Press 2 for...). A word of advice here: Listen to the telemessage! By listening to the telemessage, you will be given the means to communicate with one of their agents, depending on the information (option) you require. It's really that simple. You just have to be smarter than your phone... We know how the system works. Now, so do you.

We are how many people...?

Remember that the one toll-free number that you have for that specific government department, serves the entire country. There are over 30 million of us Canadians here, so don't be amazed if it takes a little while to get through to someone. You can't possibly be the only one in the country who has decided to phone that line at that particular moment.

Are you crippled...?

Every now and then, we encounter callers who are just about apoplectic because they can't reach someone on the phone at one of their local government offices. In despair, they will frequently ask us what to do. It's unfortunate that all we can do is verify the number that they have. I will however point out that their offices are open from this hour to this hour, "FOR IN PERSON SERVICE!!!" Basically, I'm trying to hint that if they really wanted to talk to someone and the phone wasn't working for them, they could get off their ass and make their way down to the office itself. That way, they can talk to someone face to face. How effective is that!?!??!!? Wow!!!

So when you do call up a federal information line, do some research on what you are looking for first. Find out if it's a service or a program that actually comes from the feds and not your provincial or municipal government. Be aware of what department you're calling and what services/information they provide. Remember that we are not all sitting around casually in large overstuffed chairs, eagerly awaiting to while away the day chatting about whatever strikes your fancy. Accept that there are limitations to the information that we can provide and do not come across with this: "Yeah...but you guys are just a call centre..." mentality. We are all intimately familiar with the information we provide and even on our worst day, are infinitely more clued in than you are.

If you have absolutely no idea as to who might provide the information you need (don't feel too bad, most Canadians are woefully uneducated when it comes to 'the gubmint'), phone the 1 800 O Canada line (1-800-622-6232, 8a.m. - 8p.m., Mon.-Fri.) They are the information and referral service for the entire federal government of Canada and also have some limited provincial and territorial contacts as well. For most Canadians, they should be the very first place to call. They will be able to re-direct you appropriately.

Where the Hell is Ontario...????

I have no idea what it is, but there is something which prompts some of our callers to identify their province of Ontario, as being in Canada. "And from which city and province are you calling us today?"... "Ontario, Canada!".
"Oh...I see... as opposed to Ontario in Nairobi... or the one in Turkey, gotcha! And the name of your town or city was what again...?"

I mean okay, there is a City of Ontario in the County of San Bernardino, State of California. There is a City of Ontario in the State of Oregon as well. There is also a County in the State of New York by the same name. However, I doubt more than six people in Canada actually know this and none of them reside in Ontario, in all likelyhood. Maybe it's us...? Maybe they think we're actually a call centre that's been outsourced to Mumbai or Lahore. Hmmm....never thought of it that way before... Maybe I should start practising my East Indian dialects on them? The fun and merriment could be endless...

"You've failed the very first test..."

So I receive a call from this french lad from Québec City. Nice chap. Courteous, fairly well-spoken and to the point. Says he: "I'm looking for information on employment opportunities with your organization". Not a problem. I offer him the address, phone, fax and e-mail address for that specific head regional office in Québec and the young fella takes down the address and the phone number.

I then offer to transfer his call directly to the office in Québec and ask if we hook up with this gentleman's voice mail, does he want to leave a message? "Certainly, I'll leave a message", he replies. So I transfer the call and sure enough, we meet up with the head HR person's voice mail. I transfer and hang up.

Not 2 minutes later, I get another call. It's this same lad. "Yes, you just transfered me to the office in Québec City. Do you have another number I can call there, to obtain the information I am looking for?" I advise him that for the information he is looking for, that is the only phone number we have for the offices in Québec City.

Now he begins this little dance of: "you can't fool me, you must be holding something back...". "But surely", he says, "in such a large and important building, there must be more than one person who can provide me with such information...no?"

I reply without missing a beat: "Oh, most assuredly there are, monsieur. For those who take the trouble to show up in person to enquire about hiring opportunities...". I swear I could hear Brian from TV's Family Guy in the background: "Baaaa-zzzzzzingg!!"

Congratulations! If I had anything to do with it, you would have just failed the very first test for becoming a federal employee. Anyone who thinks that they can get hired anywhere over the phone, is not only dreaming but probably too lazy to be considered for employment in any pseudo-responsible capacity. Let's face it... if you can't be bothered to take the trouble to show up, you're just not that interested, are you?

A final note... I have a hard time understanding how some callers develop the idea that we have information in front of us, which we don't want to share with them. The sole reason for being of most if not all government lines, is to provide callers with the most information possible. Why? It's just good customer service. That and it cuts down on the number of needless repeat callers. Believe me, if I have information that might be of use to you and it's within the mandate of my line to provide it to you, I absolutely will. Remember, my line and the limited amount of people who man it, provide information to the entire country, as well as entertaining queries from around the World. By phone and by e-mail. The very last thing we're going to do is to give someone a reason to call us back if they don't have to.

But maybe that's a subject best tackled in another post... sorta like a primer on government information lines...

On pet peeves...

To quote the venerable George Carlin:

"I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!!!"

On overtaking...

Amongst the most basic skills involved in operating a motor vehicle, is overtaking. Or passing as some might refer to it. For as simple as the procedure is in theory, the proper means of execution seems to stymie some drivers for their entire lives. True, there are several considerations and mental computations to make prior to overtaking another vehicle, but the pass itself should take only a matter of seconds to accomplish.

Some of the considerations which should enter the equation are: the other vehicle's speed, road conditions, amount and distance of oncoming traffic, your vehicle's present speed and above all, a realistic appreciation of what your vehicle can and cannot do. If you're cruising along in an aging little shitbox 4-banger, sucking on the tailpipe of a larger vehicle doing 120kmh... forget it! You're never going to be able to pass him. The only reason you're doing 120kmh at the moment is because undoubtedly you're caught in his draft and he's actually pulling you along. Either that or you're presently going downhill. Give up...

Clearly however, the major decision most drivers are faced with making, is whether they should attempt to pass at all. Many drivers veer out into the left lane, only to discover that their mouth has written a check that their vehicle is not capable of cashing. They can only at best match the other vehicle's speed, which results in what is called a "rolling roadblock". Both vehicles end up blocking both lanes, so nobody else can pass either. This is illegal in every civilized country in the World. In the US, the State Troopers will appropriately haul your ignorant ass over and fine you on the spot, for "creating a traffic hazard and obstructing the orderly flow of traffic". I'm not really sure about the various Provinces and Territories here in Canada, but do take it as gospel that you will earn the ire and ill-will of every driver around you, should you indulge in this particular practise. I personally will drive around or through any such offending drivers. I have on occasion roared through the space between the 2 vehicles, when such an occasion warranted it (and when there was sufficient space available to do so). No... don't tell me this is 'illegal'... So is blocking traffic for no other reason than bone-headed stupidity. I simply won't abide it... That and the fact that on a bike, I have far more manoeuvrability than any car and subsequently, many more options than simply sitting there and suffering through it. It's called power-to-weight ratio, Baby... No, it doesn't make anyone bulletproof... I've ridden far too long to believe that.

It goes without saying that I never undertake such manoevres lightly or if there is a passenger onboard. The bike handles totally differently with the extra weight onboard and I would never jeopardize another person's safety. With me alone on the bike, I am intimately familiar with the operating envelope of the machine. I know what she is capable of and what I cannot reasonably expect her to do. I know her rate of acceleration in any given gear, her manoeuvrability, her braking performance and how much space she takes up, including the width of the saddlebags. I've had almost 3 years and 46,000 kms to learn all this, on this particular bike. Most people in cars have no idea where their car begins and where it ends. Witness them as they swerve into oncoming traffic, simply to pass a cyclist who is well inside the bicycle lane on their right. You'd think they were passing a tractor trailer. They haven't a clue...

Then there are those people who are capable of turning a pass into a life's work. They can literally make a new career out of it. They swing out into the overtaking lane and develop a blistering passing rate of perhaps 1/2 kmh. If you've been trying to pass that same car on your right for the last 20 miles, it's not going to happen. Let off the gas and pull in behind him where you belong. Clearly, these folks should have decided against the manoeuvre. Or they will begin to pass and freeze, afraid of the vehicle they are trying to overtake (you less-than-confident drivers overtaking 18-wheelers pay attention here...). So they stay there, in the vehicle's blind spot, the most dangerous place they could possibly choose to be. Now they are not only blocking traffic behind them, but they stand a good chance of being crushed or sent off the road, should the other vehicle have to switch lanes for any reason (deer, moose, vehicle breakdown, etc...).

Then finally, there are those who will pass a slower vehicle, only to then go slower than the vehicle they have just passed. I have yet to figure the purpose of such a move, other than to piss off the person you have just passed (and everyone else behind him...).

In either case, it serves my purpose well as a motorcycle has no place among cars. I use such witless drivers to effect my escape, leaving all of them far, far behind. When riding, there is no safety in numbers.

He rides best, who rides alone...

On double lines and slow cars...

In all fairness, I consider myself to be pretty much a law-abiding citizen. Seriously... I don't steal, I don't mess with other people or their stuff and I have a largely "live-and-let-live" philosophy with regards to my fellow creatures on this earth. Well... unless you're a radical, a threat to the security of my country / neighborhood or one of those BCICs (*).

So this morning I'm motoring along the beginning of the Rockcliffe Parkway. It was a little cool but just fine for riding. Baby was purring along at about 70 kmh and we had only five or six cars ahead of us as we swept along the overpass which crosses the 147. I eased off the wick slightly as a Mountie cruiser passed us heading for St.Joseph, as we engaged the sweeping right-hander coming off the overpass. We entered 'Deer Alley' at a rate of about 80 klicks.

Predictably, the lead car was a 'toodler' and it didn't take long for the rest of us to bunch up on his ass end. We had yet to go through the serpentine which leads to the first (and only...) passing area, so we resigned ourselves to waiting it out. Besides, the first parking area off to the left is a favored haunt for the Mounties when they're setting up a speed trap. Having reached and passed that point, I ramped Baby up a bit and she reached the triple digit mark as usual, with alarming quickness. We sailed past the short line of cars and resumed cruising in our lane at a sedate 85/90 kmh. The Parkway is such that this particular rate of speed is not excessive in the least. Even taking into account the presence of critters. The visibility is excellent on either side of the road.

We were fast approaching the end of the passing section when I saw them... Two vehicles dead ahead. Both of them 'toodlers'. I was out of room. Now ordinarily, if the vehicles ahead of me are maintaining a reasonably constant speed of advance, I have no qualms about simply following along. I'm not an unreasonable fellow. But as anyone who rides will tell you, you develop a flow when you ride. Or at least it's one of your goals to do so. When you reach 'the zone', where man and machine are one, swooping and bending with the road, matching it's every contour in an effortless ballet... Piling on the binders to avoid putting a whoring big dent in the ass end of a car in front of you, is not consistent with the whole 'flow theory' thingie. And today, I wanted to flow, goddammit!!

Besides, there seemed to be emmanating from these cars, this negative vibe. Almost as though they were intentionally slowing to a crawl, because we were now in a no-passing zone. They couldn't stand seeing me have so much fun (kind of like why women close their eyes during sex...), so they were going to slow me down to a crawl. Kind of a: "Take that, mister biker-man-out-having-so-much-fun-on-a-workday!!!" Who knows... Maybe these people get some sort of ephemeral sense of power by being able to hold up traffic. But I refused to be held up by these soulless louts who could care less if they ever reached their destination that day.

I checked as far ahead as I could see... We were well clear. Without so much as downshifting a gear, I swung Baby out to the left and twisted the wick. She lunged ahead as we thundered past them, double yellow line and all. The pass was decisive, surgical in it's quickness and cleanliness. It always feel so liberating to bend the confines of some of our more rigidly carved taboos. I didn't even bother to watch them fade into nothingness in my mirrors. I don't begrudge anyone wanting to drive at a slow rate of speed. God knows I do it all the time when touring. Just so long as they do it BEHIND me...


* BCIC: Blind C***suckers In Cars.

What was I thinking...?

In yet another testament to human shortsightedness, a caller from Ottawa advised us that he had recently bought a pleasure craft. Fortuitously (one would think...) it came equipped with a marine VHF radio! Well guess what? Our caller didn't want to have to take the course to learn how to operate the radio, his only means of communication with other boaters and any hope of rescue, should things go bad on the water...

So what does he want to know? "Is it okay if I just remove it?". "Is there any law or rule against that?" Against it?? Oh, no... Only the Law of Natural Selection. As we say, the federal government is not here to legislate common sense. So, sure thing my friend. Feel free to rip it out of there and dispose of it. Sell it on e-Bay, to someone a little more attuned to the natural rhythm of things than you are. It's not like you'll ever need it anyway, right...? I mean... c'mon... what can possibly happen out on the water?

Somehow I have this mental image of this lad in his boat, the side of which is stove in following a collision on the water. He looks on helplessly as his boat sinks from underneath him, his significant other beating him with whatever implement she can find, screaming: "What in the f--k were you thinking!!! Getting rid of our only means of communicating with other people!!!".

But no... such picture perfect endings only happen in the movies, right?