Thursday, December 24, 2009

Today's Spanish Lesson...



1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.


2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read, so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home, wondering where I'm @!

5. *Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife chee rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken Wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That woman over there has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

So... what's in a word...???


The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

On fashion and religion...


It has occurred to me recently that the worlds of fashion and religion, share certain similarities. For one, both of them come from the minds of man.

Secondly, they are actually important only to those who stand to profit from them.

Thirdly, they are both designed to enslave the minds and wallets of the weak-minded masses.

Fourthly, those who willingly turn over control of their lives to either of these social diseases, then find themselves complaining about the fact that "they are controlling their lives..."

Now, seriously... how absurd is that?

Both of these equally erroneous 'belief systems' hold out the promise of superiority, elitism, acceptance and pseudo-salvation, although from what is still somewhat unclear. Both of these precepts are based on flawed human perceptions and require that the individual abandon their own personal sense of self and beliefs, in order to blindly adopt theirs. Religion claims to offer salvation from death, presumably by giving us the option of an eternal afterlife. We are the only living creatures on earth who consistently deny our own mortality. Clearly we have issues here, which we have chosen to "deal with" by adopting a comforting fairy tale...

Fashion? What could fashion possibly deliver us from? Perhaps the intent here is that it will "save us from appearing normal, common...", as though there should be any kind of negative connotation associated with being common. True, we exist in a period where for some insane reason, many are smitten with the appearance and false allure of fame and popularity. These are the idiots who believe if you are not a popular socialite, a rock star or a screen legend by the time you're 21, then your life has been a waste and you are to consider yourself as a failure.

Both of them prey on the now-common human belief that a person by him or herself, living a normal productive life, is simply not worthy of love, respect, acceptance or recognizance. It is something to be avoided at all costs. According to those who peddle these diseases, we are lacking something essential in our lives, that only they can provide us with... for a price.

Does this sound familiar to anyone...?

You have no idea how much simpler and saner your entire life becomes, when you simply say no to both of these raging dysfunctions. Oh, and for a final parting shot...? For all you women out there, who constantly whine and attempt to blame your slavish addiction to fashion on men??? Give it up. It is only your own overriding vanity that fuels your insanity when it comes to the world of fashion. Men have absolutely nothing to do with it. Besides, it is a well-known fact that women dress only for other women. It's the big competition. The eternal game of "I look better than you"...

And when women find that they do not have the gear to measure up anymore, what do they do? They complain that they feel so badly because they have failed to achieve that "unreachable gold standard, obviously set by a man". Bullshit, Honey. You simply measured yourself up against someone who had more of what you wished you had. The fact that you feel you have to compare yourself with others, should be the very first indicator that something is not right with you. If you believe you 'have to dress or look a certain way' simply because someone else says that you should... you're an idiot and have a lot of work to do on yourself. It's that simple.

All these bullshit excuses about what Hollywood, Madison Avenue, Paris or Milan hold up as being the female ideal, don't hold any water. None of you who use this old chestnut of an excuse, live anywhere near these fashion centres. You are the ones who have bought into this lie because you don't like or can't accept who you are. The so-called fashion moguls are only there to enable you and make money off your insecurities. It's a sort of symbionic sickness, if you will. And that's just sad.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

What I don't miss about drinking...



It's no big secret that I am a recovering alcoholic. I "put the plug in the jug" as we say, back in July of 1990. (The 50th Anniversary of Sturgis, as a matter of fact...). There are a lot of things that I don't miss, which are part and parcel of the life of a practising alcoholic. The cost, the uncertainty of where you might end up, the bad conduct, the drunk driving, the wear and tear on my body and probably most of all, the wear and tear on those around me. Quite possibly the thing I miss the least, is the dreaded morning after. In naval terminology, this was referred to as 're-entry'... as in the process of re-entering the earth's atmosphere.

Around this time of the year, I hear the inevitable stories and comments from those who 'had to attend a/several Christmas parties'. With very few exceptions, these are almost always horror stories, where tales of unacceptable human behaviour abound. From embarassing situations, to insults, to feeling "free to speak your mind", to outright sexual assaults... the annual Christmas parties never fail to provide all these wonderful moments of social interaction and then some.

Of course in many of these instances, the offensive behaviour is ignored, glossed over, forgiven because the perp "was under the influence". Kind of makes your skin crawl to think that our society has gone the road of finding this kind of conduct 'acceptable'... But then of course, you always hear about it the morning after. This is particularily interesting/painful for those who cannot remember what exploits they became involved in, the previous night. Anyone who has ever attended an office party or function and got 'carried away', will understand what I'm saying here.

No... I don't miss that crap at all. If I wanted to be mean-spirited, I suppose I could still choose to hang out in those places and be entertained by the misery of others who are still going through the motions. But then again, no. That's not a type of insanity that I need, or want, in my life anymore.

Monday, December 21, 2009

How long did it take you to dream this up...???


Okay... so here's the thing. We're here to provide information. You know, rules... regulations... stuff like that. We're NOT gameshow hosts, we're not bloody quizmasters, or anything like that. I mean, seriously... Do I look like friggin' Alex Trebek, here...??? Yet people still obviously spend hours of what could be productive time, dreaming up all manner of "what if" scenarios, whether to try and stump us or God knows what...

So M-A gets this call and as fate would have it, it's one of those tiresome, annoying as Hell TTY calls. You know, where you have to go through an interpreter that then types the responses both ways, for someone who can't simply come on line and speak. Normally these are for the deaf (Hence: TTY = Time To Yell), but today for some reason, it was to aid a "mentally-challenged individual", or whatever they call them nowadays. As it turned out, this was clearly a case of someone with too little knowledge and way-yyy too much time on their hands.

The main gist of the call, was if an individual is out on the water with a 4-seater pleasure craft, with four people onboard, each person having a lifejacket, and he all of a sudden has to 'rescue someone from the water'... Should he be stopped by a law enforcement official as he is returning to shore with the rescued person, what type of fine could he be liable to receive, since he has no lifejacket onboard for the recently-rescued survivor...?

No kidding, this was the question this person was asking. If he had any understanding about the Small Vessel Regulations of the Canada Shipping Act (as he is required to...), he would know that not having an extra lifejacket onboard is not the issue here. As the master of his vessel, regardless of it's size, he is held legally responsible for the safety and well-being of all aboard. If his Capacity Plate says he can carry a maximum of 4 people on his boat, he is jeopardizing the safety of all aboard, if he takes on that extra person. Remember also that the limitations of any vessel, are always calculated when taking into account fair weather and favorable water conditions.

So if you are involved in a collision on the water, or happen on the scene of one or an overturned boat, what should you do? What are you actually required to do?

Each vessel owner, operator or individual in charge involved in a marine incident (like a collision) should give his or her name, address and identification of the vessel to the owner, operator or individual in charge of any other vessel involved in the casualty, to any individual, injured, and to the owner of any property damaged.

Violating this requirement of course can carry a fine and/or imprisonment.


Be prepared to help others in trouble if at all possible. Remember that under the international laws and conventions, as a mariner you are required to. But do not take risks which could put your life or the life of your passengers in danger. Don’t panic, have life saving equipment ready and approach the accident carefully. Watch for persons in the water and throw floatation devices to those who do not have any. Talk to the people and assess any injuries they may have. Administer first aid if necessary and get the people to shore as quickly and safely as possible. Ummm... you DO have a first aid kit onboard, don't you...?

If you see a distress signal, (assuming you would recognize one if you saw one...), you should assist those in distress if you can do so without putting your vessel or crew at risk. If you cannot assist, make sure you notify the nearest boaters or authorities who can assist. This is when having an actual Marine VHF Radio comes in real handy.

Remember, don’t overload your own boat with too many people. If necessary, take victims requiring the most assistance into the boat and throw a line to the others and tow them slowly as you proceed. The Minimum Safety Equipment Requirements as laid out in the Small Vessel Regulations, are just that. The very minimum that you should have onboard. Experienced boaters know to always carry extras, just in case they are faced with such a situation. There is not much worse than seeing someone in dire peril, because neither you nor they were prepared.

If you do have room aboard for that extra person you've rescued, and for some reason you were not clairvoyant enough that morning to bring along that extra lifejacket, I don't imagine there is any law enforcement agency in this country that will actually ticket you, for helping to save someone's life... Let's face it... To think otherwise is just sick.


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Of sex and bridge...



"Sex is a lot like playing bridge... if you don't have a good partner, you'd better hope you have a good hand!" - Unknown.

Some of the best put-downs... ever!


These little gems come from the website: Brain Candy
http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/insult.html

- A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.

- A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

- A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

- A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

- After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.

- All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.

- All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

- Alone: In bad company.

- And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.

- Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.

- Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

- Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

- Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

- Are you brain-dead?

- Are your parents siblings?

- As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

- As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl Pitts ~

- As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~ Robert Reinhold ~

- At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a
different
and worse way!

- At no time did this man's job interfere with his drinking.

- Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

- Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

- Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.

- Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!

- Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

- Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?

- Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

- Converse with any plankton lately?

- Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

- Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?

- Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?

- Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

- Did your parents have any children that lived?

- Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

- Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

- Do you want do die stupid?

- Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?

- Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

- Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

- Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

- Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.

- Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.

- Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.

- Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

- Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?

- Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

- Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

- Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

- Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

- Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

- Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

- Excellent time to become a missing person.

- Fat? You're not fat, you're just... fat.

- For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.

- Forgot to pay his brain bill.

- Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

- Go fart peas at the moon !!

- Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.

- Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

- Has the IQ of lint.

- Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?

- He can open his mail with that nose!

- He can't think without moving his lips!

- He comes from a long line of real estate people -- they're a vacant lot.

- He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

- He doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. --From "Steel Magnolias"


- He doesn't know whether to shit, wind his watch or go blind.

- He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

- He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!

- He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.

- He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.

- He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.

- He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.


- He had a thought once... but it died a lonely death.

- He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

- He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

- He is so conceited his eyes behold each other perfectly.

- He is so short his hair smells like feet

- He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

- He is so old that his blood type was discontinued. ~ Bill Dana ~

- He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

- He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her; for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.

- He smells the coffee, but can't find the pot / a cup.

- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

- Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.

- He'd steal the straw from his mother's kennel.

- Hello - tall, dark and obnoxious!

- Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

- He's got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.

- He's just visiting this planet.

- He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

- He's so dense that light bends around him.

- He's so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.

- He's so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.

- He's the first in his family born without a tail.

- He's the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it.

- He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't marry.

- Hey, act your age -- senile!

- Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

- Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.

- Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

- His brain waves fall a little short of the beach.

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

- His origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under his family tree.

- His personality's split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy.

- His suitcase doesn't have a handle.

- How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

- How many years did it take you to learn how to breathe?

- I always wanted to be a troubleshooter but now I see you are not worth it!

- I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

- I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

- I bet your mother has a loud bark!

- I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.

- I can tie a coffee bean to my butt and swim across the Columbia River and make a darker stain than that (about weak coffee.)

- I can't seem to remember you name, and please don't help me!

- I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?

- I certainly hope you are sterile.

- I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

- I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

- I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

- I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.

- I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

- I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

- I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.

- I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

- I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

- I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

- I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!

- I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.

- I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.

- I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla.

- I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?

- I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

- I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

- I heard that your brother was an only child.

- I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

- I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

- I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

- I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

- I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

- I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

- I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

- I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

- I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

- I understand you, but thousands wouldn't!

- I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

- I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that!

- I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.

- I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?

- I worship the ground that awaits you.

- I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

- I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn't get offended.

- I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.

- I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire!

- I'd hate to see you go, but I'd love to watch you leave!

- I'd like to give you a going-away present ... but you have to do your part.

- I'd like to have the spitting concession his grave.

- I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

- I'd like to leave you with one thought ... but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!

- I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. (Thanks, llaje)

- I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

- I'd rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.

- I'd slap you senseless ... but I can't spare three seconds!

- I'd slap you... but shit splatters.

- If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.

- If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been
used.

- If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!

- If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

- If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.

- If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.

- If I want any lip from you... I'll scrape my zipper.

- If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

- If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.

- If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!

- If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

- If manure were music, you'd be a brass band.

- If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head.

- If she was cast as Lady Godiva the horse would steal the show.

- If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!

- If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

- If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

- If you act like an ass, don't get insulted if people ride you.

- If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

- If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.

- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

- If you had another brain like the one you've got, you'd still be a half-wit.

- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

- If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool.

- If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

- If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn't fill an M&M.

- Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

- I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

- I'm blonde, what's your excuse?

- I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

- I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

- I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

- I'm not as dumb as you look.

- In the land of the witless, the half-wit is king.

- Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

- Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?

- It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.

- It is such a shame to ruin such beautiful blonde hair by dying your roots black.

- You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.

- You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you.

- Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly too.


- It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.

- I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.

- I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

- I've hated your looks from the start they gave me.

- I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.

- I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

- Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you," he's practically invulnerable.

- Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

- Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

- Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

- Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

- Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

- Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!

- Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.

- Man alive! But I wish you weren't.

- Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!

- Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.


- I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.


- Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

- No one will ever know that you've had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.

- Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave good-bye.

- Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

- Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.

- Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

- Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

- People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

- People clap when they see you - their hands over their eyes or ears.

- People say that you are outspoken but not by anyone that I know of.

- People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect but you are doing all right.

- Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

- Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

- She could eat a watermelon through a picket fence!

- She had a mouth dirtier than a wicker toilet seat.

- She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face.

- She thinks the rearview mirror is for putting on make-up.

- She was another one of his near Mrs.

- She's a lot like train tracks - she's been laid across the country.

- She's got a body that won't quit and a brain that won't start.

- She's got more chins than the Hong Kong telephone book.

- She's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.

- She's so ugly they used to put a pot roast in her lap so the dog would play with her.

- She's so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt road!

- Sit down and give your mind a rest.

- Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure.

- So stupid, he moves his lips when watching TV.

- So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.

- So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

- Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

- Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.

- Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

- Some people don't hesitate to speak their minds because they have nothing to lose.

- Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy!

- Someday you'll go far, if you catch the right train.

- Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

- Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for you and said, 'oh yes she is.'

- Someone took a photo of you once but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.

- Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.

- Take off that mask! Don't you think it's a little early for Halloween?

- Talk is cheap, but so are you.

- That's a very meaty question and I'd like to give it a very meaty answer -baloney!

- The closest she/he'll ever get to a brainstorm is a slight drizzle.

- The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

- The going got weird and he turned pro.

- The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.

- The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?

- The light is on... but nobody's home.

- The wheel's turning... but the hamster's dead.


- The only thing he brought to this job was his car.

- The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.

- The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

- The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

- The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.

- There are only two things I dislike about her - her face.

- There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

- There is no vaccine against stupidity.

- They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead
from the neck up.

- They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.

- They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

- They say space is a dangerous place . . . especially if it's between your ears!

- They say that travel broadens one. You must have been around the world.

- They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

- They say truth is stranger than fiction. Look, your mother gave birth to you.

- They shot him through the stupid forest, and he didn't miss a tree.

- Thinking isn't your strong suit, is it? --from "Lost In Space"

- This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

- This man will go far... soon, we hope.

-This man could be outwitted by a stoat/gerbil.


- Too bad stupidity isn't painful.

- We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.

- We do not complain about your shortcomings but about your long stayings.

- We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."

- We know that you would give your life for us. Promises, promises!

- We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?

- We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.

- We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

- Well, I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.

- What color is the sky in your world?

- What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

- Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
- Whatever is eating you - must be suffering horribly.

- What's the latest dope - besides you?

- When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

- When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.

- When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral but I'll probably have to go to work that day.
I believe in business before pleasure.

- When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

- When you feel terrific, notify your face.

- When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

- When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.

- When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say your stupidity.

- When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia
wanted too much.

- When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!

- Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?

- Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

- With a mind like yours, who needs a body?

- Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.

- Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?

- Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.

- You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?

- You are a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in.

- You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.

- You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.

- You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.

- You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

- You are no longer beneath my contempt.

- You are not as bad as people say - you are worse!

- You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.

- You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

- You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

- You are so dumb you sit on the TV and watch the sofa.

- You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jaywalking when all the time you were
just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.

- You are so stupid you got hit by a parked car

- You are such a smart-ass I bet you could sit on a carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is.
(Thanks, Erin and Justin Keller)

- You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.

- You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for two days.

- You don't sweat much, for a fat girl.

- You grow on people - like a wart!

- You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!

- You have a good weapon against muggers - your face!

- You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

- You have a speech impediment... your foot.

- You have a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there?

- You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.

- You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

- You liked your first chin so much, you added two more.

- You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.

- You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

- You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

- You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

- You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.

- You say that you are always bright and early. Well OK, we know you are early.

- You should be the poster child for birth control.

- You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.

- You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.

- You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

- You started at the bottom - and it's been downhill ever since.

- You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

- You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.

- You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.

- You will never be able to live down to your reputation!

- Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!

- Your dog is so stupid, he chases parked cars.

- Your family tree is good but you are the sap.

- Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.

- Your teeth are like stars - they come out at night.

-Your verbosity is exceeded only by your stupidity.

- You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.

- You're acquitting yourself in a way that no jury ever would.

- You're like one of those "idiot savants," except without the "savant" part.

- You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

- You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

- You're so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company.

- You're so fat when you jumped up you got stuck.

- You're so fat you got baptized at Sea World.

- You're so fat you laid down in the ocean and Spain claimed you as the New World.

- You're so fat you saw 90210 on a scale.

- You're so fat you use hoola-hoops to keep your socks up.

- You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ''taxi''.

- You're so low you could milk a pregnant snake!

- You're so old you drove a chariot to school.

- You're so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch "Sixty Minutes."

- You're so small, you pose for trophies.

- You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.

- You're so stupid you trip over the cord of a cellular phone!

- You're so ugly when you went to a haunted house they offered you a job.

- You're so ugly you almost look like your mother.

- You're so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone.

- You're so ugly you make blind kids cry.

- You're so ugly your husband goes everywhere alone.

- You're so ugly your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes so he doesn't have to kiss you
bye.

- You're so ugly, when you walk into Taco Bell, EVERYONE runs for the border!

- You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

- You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.

- You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.


*****************************


Enjoy these and pass them around to your friends... :)





Some interesting sayings...


"That was/ he looks/ she looks... rougher than a bear turd rolling in fish hooks..."

"She could make a train take a dirt road..."

"A face that could stop a clock..."

"She has to sneak up on a glass of water..."

"Was beat with an ugly stick..."

"She could scare the moss off a rock..."

"Fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down..."

"Breath that could knock a buzzard off a shitwagon..."

"Sweating like a whore in church..."

"Colder than the heart of a Belgian whore..."

"Hotter than a Friday night fuck..."

"Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock..."

"Hotter than a June bride in a featherbed..."

"Rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock..."

"Slower than molasses runnin' uphill on a cold day..."

"Darker than God's pockets..."

"Dumber than a bag of claw hammers..."

"Drier than a dead dingo's donga..."

"I wouldn't piss on his head if he was on fire..."

"Crazier than a shithouse rat..."

"More tongue than a Mountie's boot..."


"More lip than a coal bucket..."

"More lip than a cow's cunt..."

"Stronger than mule piss with the foam farted off..."

"Finer than frog hair..."

"Drunker than a cowboy on Saturday night..."

"Slicker than cat shit on a linoleum floor." Redd Foxx

"Richer than six foot up a bull's ass..."

"Tighter than a bull's ass on fight night..."

"Tighter than a bull's ass during fly season..."

"Shaking like a dog fuckin' a keg of nails..."

"Shivering like a dog shitting razor blades..."

"Hunched over like a dog fucking a football..."

"Grinnin' like a possum eatin' shit out of a light socket..."

"Nervous as a dog shittin' peach pits..."

"Funnier than homemade dog shit..."

"No bigger than a pint of piss..."

"Queerer than a three dollar bill..."

"Smoother than a baby's ass..."

"Funnier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest..."

"Funnier than a one legged midget in an ass-kicking contest..."

"Funnier than a midget toss..."

"Busier than a one-armed paperhanger with the crabs..."

"Hornier than a two-peckered billy goat..."

"Fatter than a shithouse spider..."

"Slicker than the devil in velvet pants..."

"Sharp as a bowling ball..."

"Slicker than two eels fuckin' in a bucket of snot..."

"Standing there like a heifer in heat..."

"Grinnin' like a cat eatin' shit out of a hairbrush..."

"Slicker than shit through a tinhorn..."

"Colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassiere..."

"Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey..."

"Colder than a well digger's ass..."

"Colder than Grampa's prick..."

"Happier than a pig in shit..."

"Hotter than the hinges of Hell...", or the original:

"Hotter than the hobs of Hell..."

"Tighter than the bark on a tree..."

"Shinnin' like a diamond in a goat's ass..."

"As graceful as a deflated basketball..."

"Darker than inside a cow..."

"Grinning' like a shit eatin' possum..."

"Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine..."

"Happier than Michael Jackson in Boys' Town..."

"Hornier than a three-balled tomcat..."

"Hungry enough to eat the ass out of a skunk..."

"Prettier than puppy turds..." (Really, really, really pretty!)

"Smarter than a tree full of owls..."

"Faster than a cat can lick its ass..."

"Meaner than cat shit..."

"Sucks like a bucket of ticks..."

"Nervous as a whore in church..."

"Hungrier than a gutted snow bird..."

"Tougher than a 10-year-old rooster..."

"Weaker than puppy piss..."

"Faster than a dog can raise his leg..."

"Excited as a blind lesbian in a tuna cannery..."

"Louder than two skeletons fuckin' on a tin roof..."

"Slicker than greased owl shit..."

"Slicker than snot on a glass door knob..."

"Tighter than a crab's ass..." (That's waterproof, folks).

"Wilder than a peach orchard boar..."

"Worthless as a cup of cold piss..."

"Ugly enough to scare a bulldog off a gut wagon..."

"Drier than a popcorn fart..."

"Drier than sand..."

"Hotter than a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire..."

"Uglier than death with a hangover..."

"Funnier than a fart in a space suit..."

"Funnier than Ex-Lax in a diarrhea ward..."

"Uglier than a dead monkey in moonlight..."

"Funnier than a pay toilet in the diarrhea ward..."

"Funnier than parents' night at the orphanage..."

"Confusing as Fathers Day in the projects..."

**************************

There are of course dozens more, no doubt. But it's Thursday and I'm lazy today.

So... there you have it. :)



Guess who's NOT geting hired... *Sigh!*


We often get e-mails from people looking to work with either Fisheries and Oceans Canada/Canadian Coast Guard. You can tell a lot about a person, by the language, tone, composition and content of their e-mails. If it happens to be full of typos and inaccuracies, poor grammar, ebonics or textual abbreviations, you can pretty much assume that the author cares little for accuracy, communications skills or even rendering a half-decent effort for any assignment they may be tasked with.

After all, when they write to you, they are presumably putting their very best face forward, as they are coming to you, seeking employment based on how they present themselves. You can certainly formulate a credible first impression and tell whether or not you might actually consider hiring them...

The following is from our CCG website which provides information on our Marine Electronic Technologist (EL) Development Program (MELDEV):

At Fisheries and Oceans Canada/Canadian Coast Guard, most Electronics Technologists work for the Canadian Coast Guard's Integrated Technical Services (ITS) Directorate.

This team of dynamic, skilled professionals provide technical support to Marine Communications and Traffic Services, Aids to Navigation, and a diverse and multi-purpose fleet.

The fleet consists of icebreakers, buoy tenders, search and rescue vessels, hovercrafts and vessels for scientific research and the Canadian Hydrographic Service stationed across Canada.

The following website provides specific information regarding the MELDEV course, which is the Marine Electronic Technologist (EL) Development Program (MELDEV).

http://www.ccg-gcc.gc.ca/e0004183

The program description is followed by a very specific, very clearly laid out section on how to go about applying for this position.

HOW TO APPLY.

"Federal government positions open to the public are published on the Internet site of the Public Service Commission (PSC).

Job listings are also available by telephone through the PSC's InfoTel service at the toll-free number: 1-800-645-5605. Recruitment opportunities will be posted as the need arises through out the year.

It is highly recommended that you check this site on a regular basis.

Applications must be sent directly to the PSC to be considered (NOTE: NOT DFO or the Canadian Coast Guard, NOT Transport Canada, NOT your Mom... but the PSC). As the Public Service of Canada promotes employment equity, we also encourage candidates to voluntarily self-identify if they are women, Aboriginal people, members of visible minority group or persons with a disability."

Sounds pretty simple, right? Child-proof, some might say. So this morning we get the following e-mail from this lad. Guess who stands a snowball's chance in Hell for being hired on...???


"I just have a question I am trying to apply for a Electical Efficer position, and for the marine electronic technologist program. I have following the links on the website they continue to bring me to a dead end and send me to another website which is unrelated and hard to navigate. Just wondering if you have a direct email address or online application that i could send too."

If I had anything to do with the selection process, based on this individual's introductory e-mail...? I'd be advising him to start practicing the phrase: "Do you want fries with that...?"

So, congratulations!! You have just succeeded in failing the very first test in becoming a member of any of our teams... Besides being functionally illiterate, this lad couldn't find his own ass with both hands and a diagram. Like I've said before, you can't make this stuff up. It's absolute GOLD!! :)



Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dear Santa...



Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

---------------------------------------

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

------------------------------------

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please See what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa

-------------------------------

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

----------------------------------

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

-------------------------------------

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

----------------------------------

Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

----------------------------------

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Dear Mark, First stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,

Santa.

Some wordplay for you...


Save these for when you have time to enjoy....especially the second part.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

*********************************


On outsourcing security work in a warzone...


This article from today's edition of Pakistan's DAWN.com is interesting enough to warrant a comment. I would also have to add that the author is missing a few facts and reasons, when it comes to the outsourcing of security work in Iraq and Afghanistan

The Blackwater chronicles
By Irfan Husain

Wednesday, 16 Dec, 2009

In an age of globalisation where everything from manufacturing to accounting is outsourced, it should come as no surprise that governments now contract out many security functions that were once considered an inherent part of military duties.

Leading the charge to grab as many of these lucrative contracts was, until recently, the Blackwater empire. Now, embroiled in a string of legal actions and embarrassing headlines, it is struggling to survive.


Blackwater first came to public attention when four of its employees were killed by Iraqi insurgents, and their bodies burned and dragged around the streets of Fallujah. However, the company really hit the headlines on September 16, 2007, when its gunmen killed 17 Iraqi civilians in Baghdad’s Nisour Square. In the following outcry, the firm allegedly paid a million dollars in bribes to Iraqi officials, a charge it has denied.

Its recent re-branding as Xe Services last February has not helped much in drawing a line under its controversial activities. Its contract with the State Department to protect American diplomats has been terminated, as has been the agreement with CIA to assist the agency arm its drones in secret bases in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Nevertheless, Xe’s subsidiary, Presidential Airlines, continues to drop supplies to US Special Forces bases in remote parts of Afghanistan.

In Pakistan’s context, the firm has become synonymous with public perception about American interference in the country. Despite repeated denials, Blackwater/Xe is widely viewed as yet another symbol of Washington’s intrusive policies. This impression was recently reinforced by a New York Times story alleging that the firm’s operatives worked hand in glove with the CIA in covert anti-terrorist operations.

In the wake of President Obama’s recent announcement of the surge that will add 30,000 soldiers to the present strength of 68,000 in Afghanistan, few realise how deeply the concept of defence outsourcing has become entrenched. For instance, there are already 104,000 American private security contractors in Afghanistan.

Mostly ex-servicemen, these people perform a variety of tasks that, in earlier conflicts, were almost entirely carried out by government personnel. Ranging from perimeter security to mobile protection, these functions include logistics and intelligence. Paradoxically, the US administration is barred by law from outsourcing ‘inherently governmental functions.’ Departments stretch this to include all sorts of tasks because nobody has actually defined exactly what these functions are.

(NOTE: To say that members of Xe Services/Blackwater are simply "ex-servicemen", is like saying Eva Mendes is a 'mildly attractive woman'. These operatives are largely ex-SOCOM troops. SEALs, Rangers, US Army Special Forces, Delta Team... Hardly what any militarily-savvy person would refer to as 'ex-servicemen'. - Crypt).

One reason to reach outside the ranks of officialdom is that many of these tasks are temporary, and can be performed by short-term contractors. In conflict zones, it is difficult to hire trained people for security services without relying on ex-servicemen. The biggest attraction, of course, is that the size of the military presence can be kept small, and casualties among contractors do not attract the same attention that dead and wounded soldiers do. As P.W. Singer of the Brookings Institution wryly put it: ‘What we created was not a coalition of the willing. We’re relying on the coalitions of the billing.’

I first became interested in the Blackwater story when Sheila, my daughter-in-law, asked me what the firm was doing in Pakistan. This was when many people were insisting that it was playing a nefarious role, and I had dismissed the charge as yet another conspiracy theory.

However, when I began researching the story, I came across some very curious facts and allegations. In an investigative report in the latest Vanity Fair, Adam Ciralsky quotes Erik Prince, the founder and CEO of Blackwater/Xe, as claiming that he was not just a CIA contractor, but also an agency ‘asset.’ Cynical observers suggest that Prince has made this claim to pre-empt court proceedings.

Prince became such an integral part of the army’s and the CIA’s campaign against militants that according to Ciralsky, he was known as ‘Mr Fix-it on the war on terror.’ Such were the ties between Prince and the Bush administration that Blackwater won $1.5 billion in contracts between 2001 and 2009, and raked in $600 million in 2008 alone.

One American journalist who has researched deeply into the subject is Jeremy Scahill, a reporter with The Nation, and author of Blackwater. He has written about the firm’s birth in 1997, and its phenomenal growth after 9/11.

Among other allegations about Prince, perhaps the most bizarre relate to his connection to the Knights of Malta, an extreme-right Roman Catholic organisation that traces its roots back to the Crusades. Some ex-employees have accused Prince of being a Christian supremacist sanctioning the killings of Muslims because he believes he has been charged by God to ‘rid the world of Muslims and Islam.’

(This self-serving bit of bullshit is fairly obviously contrived and can only come from the mind of a paranoid Muslim. Note how it is conveniently prefaced by: "Among other allegations about Prince..." - Crypt.)

Others point to the fact that he supports an orphanage in Afghanistan. Whatever the truth, Prince does seem to think he has been chosen for a mission to defend America. (It is the duty of every American to defend America. - Crypt.) He cites a recent near-death experience in his interview with Ciralsky in the Vanity Fair article. Apparently, he was in Islamabad when he received word that his son had nearly drowned in the family swimming pool in the United States. Changing his itinerary, he caught the next flight back, checking out of the Marriott hours before it was nearly flattened in a huge suicide blast a couple of years ago.

Even as Blackwater/Xe struggles to survive in a suddenly hostile environment, military contracting is expected to grow in the United States. With the coming surge, more security firms will be awarded lucrative contracts. At the height of the US presence in Iraq, as many as 190,000 contractors were on the government payroll.

While they have been likened to mercenaries, they have not yet been openly inducted into the frontline. However, as the New York Times article shows, some of them at least are involved in covert operations. It is a matter of time before they begin participating in the fighting unless governments agree on rules of engagement that would bar hired guns from joining regular troops.

One problem is that these contractors are outside the official chain of command, and do not have to conduct themselves in accordance with the Geneva Convention.

(This is an interesting point and let's not make any mistakes, one of the main reasons for hiring black ops contractors. Consider who the enemy is here... Do you think the Taliban or al Qaeda hold themselves to any of the tenets of the Geneva Convention? Of course not... and therefore they themselves enjoy none of the protections offered by these laws.

They are non-uniformed combattants. Not even a regular, recognized army. They operate in direct violation of every rule of the Geneva Convention. This is not "war"... This is payback where the operatives are no more constrained by the mores of 'civilized warfare' than their prey is. - Crypt.)

Soldiers and spies, on the other hand, have careers and pensions to protect. As we saw, the Blackwater employees accused of using lethal force in Iraq were simply fired without undergoing the rigours of imprisonment. However, some of them have now been brought before a court, and may yet pay the price for their actions. But so far, at least, Erik Prince has yet to face judgment.

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Believe me... Men such as Erik Prince are by far preferable to those in the combat arena, who think themselves confined to swinging with one arm. He and his men were born out of the necessity to take the battle to the these low-lives on their own terms, while providing reliable security details on the front lines. In this type of warfare, there ARE no rules. They're not out to score points or impress anyone, they're just out there to kill the enemy. Should the men of Xe Services, or any other contrator be employed for actually closing with and terminating the enemy with extreme prejudice, it would only be a long stride in the right direction.