Sunday, March 24, 2013
In October of 1996, I sat in a classroom at the American Motorcycle Institute, as my formal mc mechanic training began in earnest. One of the very first pearls of wisdom which was dropped our way, was in the form of a question. "Can any of you tell me", our instructor Mike Geraghty asked, "what is the lowliest and least important job in a service area?" A few answers came back, sweeping out the shop and changing tires were mentioned a couple of times. I held my tongue...
"The truth is", Mike continued, "there is no job which is either lowly or not important". Sweeping out the shop contributes to the overall cleanliness of the shop and therefore the safety aspect as well. Safety in the workplace is paramount. "When it comes to tire changes", he stated, "there are few jobs which are in fact as important".
The logic behind this rapidly became abundantly clear to all of us. Properly mounted and balanced wheels are essential to a bike's good handling characteristics and stability. It is a safety factor. With this being said, there are far too many shops and wrenches who believe that this is a menial task, best suited for the 'shop nigger'. The FNG... the low man on the totem pole. An apprentice will usually be assigned this job, as it is dirty and considered beneath more advanced mechanics. This is a mindset which has to stop. It is prevalent mostly in dealerships, I find.
Balancing tires is, like many other aspects of motorcycle repair and maintenance, an art form. To be done properly, the shop hand has to know about tires, their construction and most importantly, where to find either the heavy or light spot on the carcass of the tire. This is marked differently by every tire manufacturer. Many do not mark their tires at all, so it is up to the wrench to know to look inside the tire carcass to find the seam, which would constitute the heavy spot. Wheels also have a light and a heavy spot. Again, some wheels are marked by the manufacturer, some are not.
A good rule of thumb for laced (spoked) wheels, is that the point on the rim which holds the valve stem, can generally be considered the heavy spot. Find the heavy spot on the tire and mount it 180 degrees from the valve stem. When done properly and accurately, it is possible to balance a wheel to 0 without the use of weights. The same method holds true for some cast wheels, but not all. Research and due dilligence is required for a competent mechanic to acquire knowledge of such things. I would pride myself on my ability to do this for our customers. By the same token, I was also able to lace and true wheels very well. For those of us who ride, it doesn't take much to make us understand that those two wheels are the only things that separate us from the road and which enable our steeds to perform as they should. They are of primary importance...
I have of late witnessed half-hearted attempts at balancing wheels. Many 'shade-tree mechanics' (as well as those who actually get paid for this), fail to grasp the importance of such basic motorcycle knowledge and rely on the addition of weights to make up for their lack of skill or expertise. Handing a wheel to a customer which has a half-pound of lead hanging off it and asking to believe that it is in fact 'balanced', is a bit of an insult to their intellect. What it DOES reflect, is a lack of knowledge and a poor work ethic. It also leads me to believe that the other senior mechanics and service manager, have the same lacksadaisical approach to their work. In other words, it does not inspire confidence and would certainly dissuade a rider from any further visits to said 'service department'.
Motorcycle dealerships are there for one thing: to move their product. To get as many units out the door as they possibly can. Yes, we've all heard the radio adverts from these companies, flogging their wares and assuring us at the same time, of how their service department is staffed by such competent and professional individuals. But this is only smoke and mirrors. Sure, many shops will also hope to cash in on the sale of custom parts so their customers can 'create a bike that is truly theirs', but you can't believe that they are all that interested in parts sales. Not when their staff lack the wherewithall to do a decent job of it. Expensive mass advertising campaigns sell their motorcycles, not the shop's reputation.
In good aftermarket shops (small independently-owned and operated motorcycle shops), it is another world entirely. And that is where I went to work upon graduating AMI in March of 1997. I went there because I wanted to be the best I could be. Not as a corporate cog, but as a competent and trusted wrench. I picked the shop I wanted to work in, based upon what I knew of the owner and his reputation as a stellar mechanic. I wanted a mentor who could teach me to apply the knowledge I had gained in Daytona Beach. I was not disappointed. He was every bit as demanding and uncompromising as my tutors at AMI had been. The shop's reputation was it's life blood. I never saw Garnett advertise but we never had a drought of customers. The shop's reputation was based solely on word of mouth. They came from across Canada, the US and even Europe. The quality of work that shop turns out, your attention to detail, your knowledge and understanding of your customer base, will make you or break you.
Garnett was into building ground-up customs way before any of these effete, 'me too' TV shows hit the airwaves. Tailoring a bike for a customer is like tailoring a suit. Every piece if selected based on the physical requirements of the rider him or herself and what type of riding they wanted to do. A bike first and foremost has to fit. Starting with the frame. Ergonomics is the key word here. Frame, engine, tranny, wheels, forks, oil takn, gas tank, suspension, seat. From the rolling stock, you could then concentrate on the myriad of specifics, such as handlebars, risers, controls, grips, foot pegs, lights, signals, fenders...
Selecting the wheels alone could take weeks, owing to the dizzying array of types and models available. Countless hours would be spent poring over parts catalogs, finding each individual part that would meet the customer's requirements for form and function. As parts came in and the project began to take shape, the excitement in the shop was often palpable. The day which marked the arrival of the painted parts (frame, fenders, tanks) was always a big moment. That was when the visualizing started.
All this to say that those who find themselves in the employ of the big corporations, are often not at the top of their game. But if they work on our steeds and take our lives in their hands, they really, really ought to be. This is not simply one man's opinion. It is the opinion of someone who has actually worked in the industry and knows, sees the difference between the two camps on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, not every aftermarket shop is manned by such stellar individuals. There are many such shops who's only goal is to emulate their TV-based pretenders, building improbable, non-functional 'choppers', which they then sell to the uninitiated for insane amounts of money. There is a huge difference between a custom-built motorcycle, and a wannabe chopper that will be pretty but spend most of it's time in the back of a pickup truck, or sitting on the side of the road.
Do your homework.
Friday, March 15, 2013
So for the last week and a bit now, I have been totally off any type of medication. Drug free, some might say. Since having been weaned off the heavy pain killing medications following the accident of July 2010, I have regularly, without fail, taken two 500mg acetaminophen tablets, one 500mg ibuprofen tablet and one 400mg glucosamine & condroitin tablet, three times a day.
Though 'extra strength', these are still very much the lightweights of any pain killing medication sold over the counter. They have nonetheless served so far to attenuate my litany of aches and pains, which are now a part of my everyday life.
I have been developing a concern of late, about what harm such constant usage of these medications might be doing to my liver and other organs. So as an experiment, I have decided to simply stop taking them.
Has there been any noticeable difference? To be honest, yes there has. My levels of discomfort have been elevated of late, when actively involved doing anything like walking, chores around the house, even sleeping. But even so, it's not like I am totally incapacitated by the pain. I can generally manage to push through. I am interested in seeing how far I can go with this and if I will eventually reach a point where the pain will lessen or at least be felt less intensely.
I will monitor my body's response to this new regimen and report back here periodically. We'll see how it all goes.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
So Paul Rose died today at the age of 69. No photos of this waste-of-skin will appear on this blog.
As a Canadian veteran, it pleases me to announce that another of my country's enemies is no more. When he was pardonned for his part in the October Crisis by the Quebec government in 1982, it came really as no surprise. What with Quebec being such a lawless state and a festering breeding ground for all types anarchist and of late, Islamist plots and intrigue. He should have expired at the point of a bayonet the moment he left prison.
Well... better late than never. As he quipped about the death of Quebec minister Pierre Laporte: "We did this because we believed in an advancement of society".
I might allow myself to say the same about his own much belated demise.
As a Canadian veteran, it pleases me to announce that another of my country's enemies is no more. When he was pardonned for his part in the October Crisis by the Quebec government in 1982, it came really as no surprise. What with Quebec being such a lawless state and a festering breeding ground for all types anarchist and of late, Islamist plots and intrigue. He should have expired at the point of a bayonet the moment he left prison.
Well... better late than never. As he quipped about the death of Quebec minister Pierre Laporte: "We did this because we believed in an advancement of society".
I might allow myself to say the same about his own much belated demise.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
The very short version of this post might be: "Simply enforce them, you idiots...!!!!"
This article from the CNN news site explains with startling clarity why ‘gun control laws’ in the USA are still a long, long way from being effective. It is predictably not the laws themselves, of which there are plenty, but rather the lacsidaisical manner in which they are applied and enforced.
Background checks should be mandatory. No question about it. Yet these background checks are worthless if the database they are meant to draw is lacking information on the most dangerous citizens. And no, we’re not talking about ‘hardened criminals’ here, but a segment of the population which has proven far more deadly of late.
Reporting and cataloging of potentially violent mentally ill people in the US is virtually non-existent. In many cases they are able to walk into any given store and buy a weapon. A background check is conducted in most instances, but because their mental health records have never been sent by their State government to a federal database, there is no red flag. No warning or caution. They slip under the radar undetected.
While American politicians of all stripes and levels of government (and the largely uneducated public) are quick to point fingers at the Gun Lobby and their supporters when chaos strikes yet another small town, they would do very well to look in their own back yard when it comes to finding a solution to the rampant gun violence in America. I do not recall very many instances IF ANY, where the perpetrators were normal, healthy, mentally stable and well-adjusted individuals.
How widespread is this pattern of State government apathy…? Read on. You won’t believe your eyes…
How the violent mentally ill can buy gunsBy Jen Christensen, CNN
updated 10:51 AM EST, Tue February 5, 2013
• Critics say loopholes in the federal gun background check system put guns in killers' hands
• A federal investigation found states' reporting of mental health records to feds flawed
• As of October 2011, four states hadn't reported a single case to the federal system
(CNN) -- Last November, Oklahoma City police officers went to check on an elderly woman after relatives reported they hadn't heard from her in a while.
At 77, Janet Hume was living with her adult son, Gerald, who the family said was schizophrenic. Since she typically kept in close contact with relatives, police decided to investigate.
They visited the Hume home on three occasions. Each time, her son refused to let them inside, insisting "everything was OK," according to a police affidavit.
But it was far from it.
What police eventually discovered instead was a horrendous case that underscores how little the country's current gun laws can do to stop a mentally ill person from buying a gun -- even if, like Gerald Hume, they have a documented history of violence.
Before their third visit, detectives talked with one of Janet Hume's friends, who gave them troubling news.
"Janet Hume told her that Gerald has recently bought several guns," according to the police affidavit, which was seeking a search warrant for the Hume home.
That third time police went to check on Janet Hume, all hell broke loose.
Gerald Hume held police at bay for 11 hours, barricading himself inside the home as a police helicopter flew overhead. During negotiations, police records show Hume admitted shooting his mother in the chest.
At 4:30 a.m. on November 14, an Oklahoma City Police tactical unit finally forced its way into the home. Hume pointed his 9mm Glock at them. An officer used a stun gun on him; another fired a beanbag rifle at him. But police still had to rush him, pushing him down with their shields.
Police then quickly searched Hume's home, finding Janet Hume's body in a bedroom, the affidavit said.
While Hume's lawyer declined to be interviewed, the inventory of items seized from the home in relation to the case tells a gruesome story.
In addition to the handgun and three rifles, police also removed a Whirlpool freezer, a reciprocating saw and a serrated kitchen knife, according to the inventory, filed with the search warrant. They also seized a pair of blood-splattered safety glasses and a white plastic trash bag containing women's clothing that was "cut up/stained," the document said.
Authorities found parts of Janet Hume's body inside the freezer, along with the body of a house cat, the district attorney told the Oklahoman newspaper.
Gerald Hume was described in the affidavit as a "known schizophrenic (who) hears voices, and requires treatment" and who has had "several mental health interventions with OCPD" and a history of violent behavior.
He didn't steal his guns or borrow them. He bought them.
"He bought them like any normal person would -- he got them at Walmart," said Oklahoma City Police Capt. Dexter Nelson.
Hume bought the rifles at the Walmart in Moore, Oklahoma, on September 25. The next day he bought the Glock at Gun World in the nearby town of Dell City, according to Nelson. Both are federally licensed gun dealers that conduct background checks. The checks, in theory, are supposed to stop certain people -- including the mentally ill with a history of violence -- from buying them.
Repeated system failure
"Even after you have a brief conversation with (Gerald Hume), you can tell something is not right," Nelson said. "Visibly, he even looks 'off.'"
Many law enforcement and gun merchants are frustrated with the system, he said. But "what could (the retailers) do if a person passes a background check? They don't have the authority to check if he's lying. We as law enforcement don't even have that ability, because mental health records are kept in each separate jurisdiction in Oklahoma. Those files aren't transferred to a central state or federal system we can check.
"It's far too easy to pass a federal background check."
Federal law makes it illegal to sell or give a firearm to anyone who "has been adjudicated as a mental defective or has been committed to any mental institution."
Federally licensed gun shops must use the National Instant Criminal Background Check System, or NICS. Private sellers and gun shows have no background check requirement.
But information in the NICS is incomplete, particularly where mental health records are concerned, investigations found. That's because of what some of the system's critics call a huge legal loophole in the background check laws that put "guns in the hands of killers," according to a study conducted by a group of mayors.
The system is only as good as the data. And "the data is the real problem," said Mark Glaze, the director of Mayors Against Illegal Guns, an organization whose recent in-depth study found millions of mental health records were missing from the federal background check system.
"It's an unsatisfying answer, since people always want to blame the soft federal laws or blame the gun lobby," he said. "But if you have ever worked around a state legislature, they'll tell you there is no money and no time to improve this kind of reporting.
"It's sad, but sometimes it takes a national crisis to get people to notice."
It was in the wake of a national crisis -- the shootings at Virginia Tech -- that President George W. Bush signed the bipartisan-backed "NICS Improvement Amendments Act of 2007." The National Rifle Association-supported piece of legislation was aimed at strengthening state reporting of vital information about mental illness to the federal database used for gun background checks. The NRA did not respond to an interview request.
Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people at Virginia Tech using guns he bought at a federally licensed dealer. He had passed the federal background check, even though a judge had declared Cho mentally ill the year before. Virginia failed to send that information to the federal system so his name would have been flagged.
'Lack of political will'
Generally, background checks have kept more than 1.5 million guns out of the wrong hands, according to federal records.
This law has now been in place for about five years, but a federal investigation last July, in addition to the in-depth study from the Mayors Against Illegal Guns, found the vast majority of states fail to pass on mental health records to the federal system. That means the mentally ill may still easily buy guns.
As of October 2011, 23 states and the District of Columbia had submitted fewer than 100 mental health care records. Seventeen submitted fewer than 10 records, and four states hadn't reported a single record to the federal background check system, according to the federal investigation, conducted by the Government Accountability Office.
As of October 2012, Oklahoma had submitted only three mental health records to the NICS Index, according to the mayors' group.
When study researchers wanted to find out why, they spoke with an unnamed Oklahoma official who said there were no state privacy laws or logistical hurdles blocking record submission in Oklahoma, as there are in other states. Rather, a "lack of political will appears to be the only barrier to submission," according to the unnamed official cited in the study.
Under current state law, the only cases Oklahoma sends to the federal system are people who have been forcibly committed. Hume did not meet that criteria, according to police.
Under the 10th Amendment, the federal government cannot legally make states submit these records, regardless of importance. "Instead they've got to beg, shame or really hang a lantern on the problem to get the states to comply with this federal law," Glaze said.
To do that, the 2007 law provides financial incentives and punishments to get states to send records. The states can use the money to pay someone to clean up data or submit it to federal agencies. Some grants are large enough to help states build new record-keeping systems.
Penalties can be doled out to states that don't send records in, but no one seems to know of any that have actually been handed out.
"The law has never acted the way it was designed to," said Shams Tarek, spokesman for U.S. Rep. Carolyn McCarthy, a New York Democrat who initiated the bill. "The problem is the bill relies on congressional appropriations for its funding, and it's never had even close to the full amount it should get."
That's true even under the Obama administration, which has recently proposed its own solutions to help keep guns away from the violent and mentally ill in the wake of the massacre at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut.
The Obama administration asked for $5 million in fiscal year 2013, according to Tarek, who describes that as "a pittance." Republicans in Congress -- notably two from Virginia, added Glaze -- more than doubled that request, but even that was about a quarter of the money needed, according to Tarek.
Federal investigators found that while more mental health records are going into the system than ever, 12 states are responsible for the bulk of those records.
"Most states made little to no progress with their reporting," said Carol Cha, co-author of the GAO investigation. "The rewards and penalties put in place are not sufficiently effective."
The investigation, which came out in July, found three other main barriers to states' reporting.
First, there were technical limitations. Some states still rely on paper records. Only a small number keep a central database that would be easy to transfer, according to Cha.
The second barrier relates to states' privacy laws. "Many of the states we spoke to felt they may need explicit state statutory reasons to share the data," Cha said. "They erroneously felt there were privacy issues."
In the 20 states that do have laws mandating reporting, the rates are higher. Texas passed a law in 2009 increasing the number of records it sends to the system by 200,000, according to Cha.
That makes gun-friendly Texas -- the state next to Oklahoma, which has only reported three records -- one of the best record-reporters to the federal background check system in the nation, according to the analysis by the mayors' group.
The final barrier is a lack of communication between state agencies. Mental health records are kept in a variety of offices that don't all talk to each other.
In Illinois, for instance, the state auditor general told Cha there are some 114,000 mental health records kept in private hospitals. In 2010, only 5,000 were reported to the federal system. "There is no formal mechanism in place to share these records, and that's got to change," Cha said.
Some states told Cha they weren't aware of the incentives to report. She's encouraged the states that are effectively reporting this information to help those that aren't.
Glaze and the Mayors Against Illegal Guns group hopes McCarthy's new Fix the Gun Checks Act of 2013 will increase funding to put some real teeth into the law. Glaze is also hopeful about the president's latest moves to urge universal background checks and to improve this reporting system.
Obama has been a consistent critic of the law, writing in an op-ed piece last year that "We must do better."
Nelson, the Oklahoma City police captain and 26-year law enforcement veteran, would agree. Like the president, he thinks the problem goes far beyond just this poor reporting system.
"We used to have good mental health services here, but like with everything, when cities and states started to run out of money, we started to see more people who clearly need help on the streets," he said.
"When they took the money out of mental health, especially in a state where we like our guns, these people became our problem. I'd love to see that change, too."
So for those who thought they had all this figured out, I.E.: “Ban guns and the problem will go away”, it should now be easy enough to see that those who would perpetrate senseless violence against others, are not simply gun owners. To be truthful, the knowledge that you live amongst a sea of such ticking human time-bombs, should make you drop to your knees and thank whatever diety you happen to believe in, that you DO in fact have to right to keep and bear arms, for the defense of yourself and your country.
Instead of bitching to the President or oher federal government authorities to ‘fix the problem’, residents would be better served if they took their voices to the street and demanded that their State authorities do the right thing, to ensure that the existing gun laws can be enforced and keep weapons from the hands of those who most certainly should not have them.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Last Tuesday morning, I am laying on a massage table as my RMT begins her work. I know, it sounds like a glamorous way to begin a Tuesday and in some ways, I guess it is. But these are not your 'relaxing-day-at-the-spa' massages. They are fairly intense and often painful sessions designed to loosen a bumper crop of knots which have taken up permanent residence in my trapezoids, shoulder and neck. We have even named them. These weekly sessions are basically what keep me mobile and able to function.
There are other areas of my body which still suffer from the accident of 2010, such as my legs, knees, ankles and hips. These sessions last 45 minutes and it is scarcely time to attend to any one area of my body, so we rotate areas which are treated on a weekly basis, all depending on which one is in worse shape. For as uncomfortable as these sessions might be at the time, the relief which they provide over the following days is well worth the time and effort.
Christine my RMT, though fairly young, is very adept. Gifted, even. Her hands move skillfully, knowingly. She can detect any trace of angry musculature, ligaments or tendons. We will often joke that she is a master of inflicting short-term pain, for long-term gain. She is in many ways a godsend.
During these sessions, I will often drone on about 'the social condition' these days or things which I think she might find humorous. I have recently got into my head that I would want to participate in this year's ARMY 5K Run. It's for a very worthy cause and I want to challenge myself. One of my cohorts at work asked me why I would want to do that. I replied: "Because it's hard...". I have decided that rather than take the easy road and simply give in to this feeling of being 'less capable' than I was, that I am going to push myself at every occasion that I get. It has worked so far, so why not continue?
So I am chatting about how if I were a betting man, I would bet a bunch on me finishing the race dead last. I started painting this mental picture for her. It showed me arriving near the end of the course, with traffic already resuming, drivers angrily honking and swearing at me as I chugged along the street, trying to finish. I told her of me arriving at where the finish line used to be, only to discover that there were no tents, no staff, no crowds, no water bottles... no finish line. Everything had been stripped down, cleaned up, even the discarded water cups, the line hosed off the street... everyone had long since gone home. I carried the idea even further, describing that with no finishing line in sight and not knowing where to stop, I carried on to the very outskirts of Pembroke, limping and wheezing: "I'm in a race, goddammit!! Get outta my way...!!!" and: 'Where the Hell is the finish line...??? This is the longest 5K in bloody history...!!!".
By the time I had done my mini-rant, she was in tears and had to take a brief pause before she could continue her treatment. I was very glad for the humour and pleased that I was able to share it with her. She is a single Mom and works very hard. She is also a very decent, funny and caring human being. For all she does, for me as well as others, it felt nice to be able to lighten her day with a laugh.
But I am going to participate in the ARMY 5K Run this year and my wife has volunteered to be be right there with me, supporting me as she has always done through all of this. I have no doubt that we will finish easily, though not with any 'winning times'. Ready Aye Ready...
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Search confirms no bodies in capsized boat
February 24, 2013 - 1:42pm By The Canadian Press
HMCS Glace Bay, on site for the search of the Miss Ally, with the Fleet Diving Unit (Atlantic) using the remote operated vehicle to inspect the capsized vessel. (Contributed)
About 500 people gathered at a church in southwest Nova Scotia today to grieve the loss of five young fishermen from the community.
Pastor Phil Williams spoke at the Calvary United Baptist church in Woods Harbour and urged the residents of the small fishing village to support one another.
Families of the men aboard the Miss Ally when it capsized last Sunday sat in several rows at the front of the church, hugging each other and crying as church members sang and prayed.
RCMP say a remote underwater vehicle has confirmed that no bodies are aboard the 13-metre overturned boat, which was found about 240 kilometres southeast of Halifax on Saturday.
The Mounties say the HMCS Glace Bay conducted an assessment today with a remotely operated vehicle and corroborated reports from divers on a private fishing vessel that no bodies are in the Miss Ally.
They say the assessment also confirmed that no wheelhouse or sleeping quarters are attached to the vessel’s hull.
The RCMP say their air, water and ground search activities will conclude today.
Nickerson ‘was a good captain’
February 25, 2013 - 9:06pm By AARON BESWICK Truro Bureau
Local fisherman Sandy Stoddard speaks with reporters outside of the Calvary United Baptist Church in Woods Harbour on Sunday. Many residents of the small fishing village attended a special service dedicated to five local fishermen who were lost at sea after their boat capsized last week. (CP)
There’s a game of chess every captain fishing a small boat in the North Atlantic in the winter plays with the sea.
You wait till the weather’s good, then you go and fish hard and get back to the wharf before the weather sets in again.
And it’s not a game, really, because the stakes are so high.
It’s just fishing.
If you win, you make a good living for yourself, your family, your crew and their families.
And that’s a wonderful thing to do.
“And when you’re a young captain, the youngest aboard the boat, and you have the respect of these older men — that you’re a good captain and have the ability to catch fish — it’s a powerful thing,” said Sandy Stoddard, 57, of Woods Harbour, who’s been a fishing captain since he was 19.
“It was the same for (Miss Ally captain Katlin Nickerson). He was a good captain and the youngest aboard his boat. He wasn’t reckless and it wasn’t inexperience that led to his decisions. The only difference between Katlin and me is that I made it home and he didn’t.”
Stoddard was fishing halibut from his boat, the Logan and Morgan, in the Gully, about 210 kilometres northeast of the Miss Ally during the days leading up to the horrible blow that stole five young men from Woods Harbour.
With halibut catching a fair price and a hard winter having disrupted fishing, both boats were out trying to get their quotas. Stoddard said the Miss Ally had 12,000 pounds of halibut quota to catch south of Yarmouth in Fishing Area 4X. It was a catch the 14-metre boat could have easily carried without settling too far down in the water.
The boats set their trawls — long lines bearing about 90 hooks that hang between two buoys. The baited hooks are set to hang low in the deep waters to catch the bottom-feeding halibut that have two eyes on the same side of their heads.
Both Stoddard and Nickerson, 21, were watching over their weather equipment two low pressure systems forming in the south.
On Feb. 16, Stoddard said he called Nickerson to say he was hauling his gear and heading to Petit-de-Grat, Cape Breton, aiming to get back to the wharf and land his catch before the storm hit.
“Katlin intended to head in too, but he lost his inverter.”
The inverter converts electricity produced by the big diesel engine driving a fishing boat to a form that can be used by its lights and some other electronics. Without lights, the crew of the Miss Ally couldn’t find their gear in the dark.
So they waited until morning.
All the while, the low pressure systems combined far to the south, strengthening their haul of wind as they barrelled toward the Miss Ally.
“He had 24 tubs left in the water, and that would have taken them six to eight hours to get out,” Stoddard said.
“They’d have started at the crack of daylight. I talked to him Sunday afternoon and he was on his way in.”
The Miss Ally steamed north toward Sambro, but the storm came upon it, blasting the boat from the southwest before the wind turned and came from the northwest at hurricane force. The coast guard reported wave heights of up to 10 metres, blowing snow and zero visibility.
Stoddard was aboard his boat at the wharf in Petit-de-Grat on the evening of Feb. 17 when he heard the distress call on his radio.
At about 11 p.m., the Miss Ally’s emergency beacon went off. A United States Coast Guard fixed-wing aircraft was first on the scene. Its crew reported seeing a life-raft but was forced to head home by the extreme weather after dropping a marker nearby.
Two Canadian Coast Guard boats, the Sir William Alexander and the Earl Grey, fought their way toward the Miss Ally’s last known position but only found its overturned hull.
“People will sit and speculate on what happened, but the truth of the fact is that they were caught in a terrible storm,” Stoddard said Monday.
“People need to know that Katlin did nothing more than any one of us other captains have done in our lifetimes. He wasn’t being reckless and he wasn’t being brazen. He was getting his gear out of the water and the storm came up a bit faster than he thought.”
On Monday, as Woods Harbour planned a memorial service for the five young fishermen whose bodies haven’t been found, Stoddard asked a favour. He said that those who don’t fish should respect the decisions made by those who do and try to appreciate that sometimes there’s no one to blame.
“You have to go fish when you can fish. This is our profession, we know what we’re doing.
“If you take how many trips actually sail off these wharves year after year, I guarantee you there’s a lot less accidents on the ocean than on the highway.
“Katlin was a good captain, and I had a lot of respect for him.”
There really is nothing to add to this sad and final chapter. No doubt the TSB will conduct their investigation and draw whatever conclusions and lessons they must from this. The irreversible fact is that these five young lads are gone. For whatever reasons. But the wee boats will continue leaving the docks, in Wood's Harbour and countless other little ports around the Atlantic Provinces. For such is the life of men who draw their living from the sea. Remember that when you balk at the price of your favorite seafood, at the local market. These men get so little in return compared to the middle-men and the final sellers of this product. 'Tis scandalous indeed...
Thursday, February 21, 2013
So I’m reading an update in today’s Chronicle Herald (Halifax, NS) which details how rather than waiting for ‘the government’ to mount a salvage and recovery mission, local skippers have volunteered the services of their own vessels, as well as some volunteer divers. They are by all accounts currently heading out to the still-floating hulk of the Miss Ally to undertake their own salvage operation.
Again, I can understand how emotions can drive people to do things which are best left in the hands of those more savvy and qualified. I don’t know how big the vessel is which intends to salvage the Miss Ally, but they had better ensure that if she turns into a giant anchor, she doesn’t carry them down to Davey Jones’ locker with her. Salvage and recovery is a very specific field of endeavor and requires expert knowledge if it is to be carried out safely and successfully. It is not something that just anyone can try their hand at. It’s not simply a matter of lassoing a floating hulk and towing it back to land behind you.
As for those intent on diving the wreck for bodies, notwithstanding the fact that the Miss Ally is a fairly small boat (or maybe because she is…), if those divers are not trained in this field, or at the very least as clearance divers, then they are endangering themselves as well. This might be seen as ‘courageous’ or ‘noble’ by some, but it is in fact simple stupidity which is bound to end badly for all concerned. Salvage is an enterprise which must be approached with a great deal of knowledge, experience and forethought. Again, it is a risky business carried out in an even riskier environment.
I hope for all concerned that this turns out well, but there is a very lengthy track record of dismal failure, when it comes to those whose impatience goads them to “take matters into their own hands”.
Pressure mounts to salvage N.S. fishing boat
February 21, 2013 - 12:17pm By ALISON AULD The Canadian Press
UPDATED 3:01 p.m. Thursday
WOODS HARBOUR, N.S. — The RCMP have asked the Defence Department for help as the Mounties face mounting pressure from a Nova Scotia community demanding the recovery of a capsized boat that could contain the bodies of five young fishermen.
An RCMP spokesman in Woods Harbour, said Thursday the Mounties are now waiting for approval from Defence Minister Peter MacKay, Nova Scotia's representative in the federal cabinet.
But some in the community were not content to wait any longer.
The father of one of the missing fishermen said a private boat with four divers aboard left from the Halifax area to find the capsized 13-metre boat.
"So we've decided we don't want to wait any longer,'' said George Hopkins. This boat could sink. There's nothing guaranteed and it's afloat right now, so we're going to search for it.''
He said other fishermen near his home in Woods Harbour were also getting ready to join the search for the Miss Ally, which flipped over in rough seas Sunday night. One fishing boat, the Lady Faith, left Thursday afternoon from the area.
"We're not forcing anybody's hand to do it,'' he said in an interview. "I've had lots of calls from people wanting to do it.''
Hopkins, whose son Joel was aboard the vessel, says the community can't wait for the RCMP or the military to take action because the partially submerged boat could sink at any time.
Federal search and rescue officials have said it was up to the RCMP to decide what to do because the case was handed to the Mounties when the search for the men was called off Tuesday.
Maj. Martell Thompson, spokesman for the military's Joint Rescue Co-ordination Centre in Halifax, said a military aircraft has been dispatched to the area to determine whether the Miss Ally was still afloat.
The military confirmed that the boat's upturned yellow hull was last spotted by the coast guard on Wednesday afternoon.
Nova Scotia Fisheries Minister Sterling Belliveau, a former fisherman who represents the area, says he has approached federal Fisheries Minister Keith Ashfield to determine whether a salvage operation is feasible.
"I asked him to consult with his cabinet colleagues and review his options,'' he said in Woods Harbour. "I am just bringing the concerns of the community to him.''
Erin Filliter, a spokeswoman for Ashfield, said the RCMP was in charge of the file.
"We do leave this type of decision-making to experts,'' she said. "Currently this is an RCMP investigation, so at this time it would be led by the RCMP.''
Pastor Phil Williams at the Calvary United Baptist church in Lower Woods Harbour said the community has rallied behind the families' call for a salvage operation.
"I would venture to say that if you took a poll you would have 110 per cent,'' he said in an interview. "(We) want Miss Ally brought up at all costs, expense, whatever. It's essential for peace and closure.''
Pierre Murray, regional manager of operations for the Transportation Safety Board of Canada, said a team of investigators arrived in Woods Harbour on Wednesday.
Murray said they plan to review communications between the crew and family members, friends and search and rescue officials.
Hopkins has said he was in touch with the crew shortly before its water-activated emergency locator beacon went off just after 11 p.m. Sunday.
The Miss Ally was on an extended halibut fishing trip when it ran into heavy weather — 10-metre seas and winds approaching hurricane strength.
Murray said the safety board's investigators will also look at the boat's stability assessments, construction and inspections as well as the crew's experience and training. The vessel was built in 2006 and had to be inspected every five years.
"We're going to try to find out what was going on, what type of weather they were experiencing, if the boat was damaged or if it was taking on water,'' he said from Halifax.
"The difficulty is that we don't have a boat and we don't have survivors, so what we can do is try to get as much as we can right now.''
Murray said the independent agency once recovered a small fishing boat from the bottom of the Bay of Fundy to help with their investigation into a sinking that claimed four lives. But he stressed that conditions were more favourable then.
"It was a bit different from going out there in the open sea and trying to recover a boat,'' he said.
In January 2004, the 9.7-metre Lo-Da-Kash, based in Maces Bay, N.B., was heading back from Campobello Island when it sank with four people on board. The Transportation Safety Board conducted a dive on the vessel in May 2004 and it was raised to the surface four months later and towed to shore.
With files from Michael MacDonald
I know there is much grief and heartache in your community, as I sit and write this. I know there are calls to resume the search for your loved ones who are lost at sea. Rumors and speculation about what might have been spotted, by whom and when, will always arise in instances such as this, fuelled by a sense of desperation and a natural unwillingness to accept the inevitable truth. Grasping at straws, is a term which comes to mind and I can understand this state of mind and soul absolutely. It is a completely human and natural reaction to the mind-numbing pain that lances its way through the hearts of the residents of Wood’s Harbour, notably the families and friends directly affected by the loss of the Miss Ally.
What is actually known? They were about 120 miles Southeast of Liverpool, NS in mountainous seas (10 metres) and hurricane force winds. The first signal of trouble was the intercept of an EPIRB transmission at around 11:00pm on Sunday evening. This device will normally transmit when a vessel has sunk, as it is activated by water. Some models can also be activated manually. At no time during the investigation of this incident, was it ever even suggested that there had been a distress call intercepted on Marine VHF Channel 16, prior to the EPIRB being activated. This in itself tells us much. It means quite simply that the boat had capsized before any of these young men could make it to the radio to report their situation. This forcibly leads to the next question: where were the lads on the boat when she capsized? Were they down below, save for the one or two who might have been in the wheelhouse, guiding her through the storm? Were they up top on deck? Had any been lost over the side before she was capsized? Were they wearing their immersion suits, or simply the yellow ‘canary suits’ over their work clothes?
There have been credible reports of a life raft having been spotted. Had this life raft been properly secured to the Miss Ally, it would have automatically deployed after the vessel had sunk, released by a hydrostatic cord which would then had allowed it to float to the surface, the fiberglass clamshell separating and the life raft self-inflating. Once the raft had reached the surface, if there was no one close by to grab it those hurricane force winds would have taken it and sent it skittering across the waves. Sea anchor deployed or not. As one of the local residents quipped: “Like a balloon on the water”. It is also possible that the life raft was manually released from it’s cradle and the painter cord pulled to inflate it…
When I think of shipwrecks and souls lost at sea, I am often reminded of that poignant line penned by Gordon Lightfoot, when he wrote of the Edmund Fitzgerald:
"Does anyone know where the love of God goes... when the waves turn the minutes to hours?"
I have read comments by some on various news sites, that would imply that if these lads had come from prominent families, their remains would already be ashore somewhere. The absolute idiocy of such a remark cannot be overstated. Clearly it comes from someone who has no understanding whatsoever of SAR procedures and even less regarding the courage and dedication of those who provide these vital services to Canadians. To even suggest that the degree of response to such a tragedy is based on some mythical socio-economic class structure, is the very embodiment of howling ignorance and an insult to those who dedicate their lives to the safety of others. It would follow that their feet have likely never touched the deck of any boat of ship, much less spent any time at sea. I would go so far as to remind them that the body of Michel Trudeau, son of the late Pierre Elliott Trudeau, still lies at the bottom of Kokanee Lake in British Columbia. An area far ‘easier’ to search than the vast expanses of the Atlantic Ocean and one not subject to severe wave and current action.
I am a man of the sea, having spent many years in the naval service of my country and much of that time at sea proper. The survival time of a person immersed in the waters of the North Atlantic, notably in the winter months, is about 6 minutes. The most one could hope for is 30 minutes. The following link provides ample graphic figures for Survival Rates in Cold Water as drawn up for Transport Canada and published by the US National Transportation Safety Board. Bear in mind the figures quoted in this report and the accompanying chart, then remember that the search itself lasted over 36 hours:
Possibly the worse aspect of losing a loved one at sea, is that we are deprived of that final goodbye. There is no known grave to revisit and mourn over. They are simply, suddenly gone forever from our lives. There is a lack of continuance. There is no final closure to mark the end of that life. If at all possible, should efforts be made to retrieve the vessel itself and recover the remains of any who were onboard? In my humble opinion certainly, if time and resources permit. Regardless of the situation, there will always remain this seeming chasm between what could, what should and what ultimately will be done. I cannot put myself in the position of the families affected, but as a sentient and somewhat compassionate human being, I hope as much as anyone could that there may yet be some measure of comfort for the residents of Wood’s Harbour.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Anti-whaling activists say they were attacked by Japanese ships
By Jethro Mullen, CNN
updated 8:06 AM EST, Wed February 20, 2013
Hong Kong (CNN) -- The anti-whaling group Sea Shepherd said ships from the Japanese whaling fleet attacked its vessels, ramming them and hurling concussion grenades.
"There's been the most outrageous attack on the Sea Shepherd Australia ships today," said Bob Brown, a member of the board of directors of Sea Shepherd Australia, describing it as the "worst incident" the group had experienced since one of its vessels sank two years ago.
In an interview with the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC), Brown said that a large Japanese factory ship, the Nisshin Maru, had repeatedly rammed Sea Shepherd ships in the Southern Ocean near Antarctica where it was trying to refuel and that a Japanese government escort vessel had directed water cannon and lobbed concussion grenades at the activists.
He claimed the Japanese ships had intruded into Australian territorial waters and breached both international and Australian law.
2011: War over whaling in Japan "I'm very concerned and alarmed that Japan has decided to become pirates in our territorial waters," he said. "It's time the Australian government acted."
The Japanese Ministry of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries said it was checking what had happened with the whaling fleet and was unable to comment further at this point.
Australian authorities didn't immediately respond to requests for comment from CNN, but the ABC cited Environment Minister Tony Burke as saying he was trying to confirm what had taken place.
"Let's wait until I can get those reports confirmed, but I won't be going quiet once I get the information," he said.
Japan annually hunts whales despite a worldwide moratorium, utilizing a loophole in the law that allows for killing the mammals for scientific research.
Each year, environmental groups like Sea Shepherd face off with Japan's hunters in a high seas drama that has led to collisions of ships, the detaining of activists and smoke bombs fired back and forth between the groups.
Now understand that I am all for the preservation of the oceans' species, particularly whales, dolphins, sharks and every other species that assures a viable and healthy marine ecosystem. Understand also that I am appalled by the continued whaling practices of ANY country, Japan included. These things are givens...
Now, understand also that under the 'leadership' of pseudo-Captain Paul Watson, the vessel of the Sea Shepherd Society have been endangering the lives of ships crews (including their own), by committing the very same irresponsible acts on other vessels. For this, they have always expected to be applauded by the mindless herds of their followers, who know absolutely nothing about the laws governing the conduct of ships at sea. They are a danger to themselves and all around them.
For them to find themselves on the receiving end of such attacks and actually have the audacity to bitch and whine about it, is absolutely laughable. Better put your 'big-girl' panties on, kids. If you're going to play with the big boys, you had better be prepared to get as good as you give...
This article has been copied from the CTV Maritimes Region website. It details the events surrounding the loss of the fishing vessel Miss Ally, which sailed out of Wood's Harbour, NS.
I am by no means a religious man, but whenever I hear news of such a maritime tragedy, Psalm 107:23 comes readily to mind:
"They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the LORD, and his wonders in the deep. For he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof. They mount up to the heaven, they go down again to the depths: their soul is melted because of trouble. They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, and are at their wits' end. Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven."
Psalms, 107:23-30, KJV
Michael MacDonald, THE CANADIAN PRESS
Published Monday, Feb. 18, 2013 12:04PM AST
Last Updated Monday, Feb. 18, 2013 6:49PM AST
HALIFAX -- Two coast guard vessels and a rescue helicopter searched late Monday for the crew of a fishing boat that went missing off the southwest coast of Nova Scotia in 10-metre seas lashed by hurricane-force winds.
The 13-metre boat, based in Woods Harbour, N.S., had a crew of five on board when its emergency locator beacon transmitted a distress signal Sunday at 11 p.m., said navy Lt. Peter Ryan, spokesman for the Joint Rescue Co-ordination Centre in Halifax.
"The weather out there was very poor, low visibility and high winds and very challenging seas," he said in an interview.
A search is underway for this fishing boat, the Miss Ally, after it capsized off the coast of Nova Scotia's South Shore Sunday night.
A Canadian Forces Cormorant helicopter and two Canadian Coast Guard light icebreakers -- Earl Grey and Sir William Alexander -- were dispatched to the area, about 120 kilometres southeast of Liverpool.
The helicopter crew conducted a four-hour search Monday morning then headed to 12 Wing Shearwater near Halifax for refuelling before resuming the search.
Ryan said the crew of a U.S. Coast Guard aircraft -- a Falcon twin-engine jet from Cape Cod -- reported spotting a life-raft early Monday, but he couldn't offer further details.
George Hopkins, the father of one of the missing men, 27-year-old Joel Hopkins of Woods Harbour, said the name of the vessel is the Miss Ally and its crew is experienced.
"They are to a certain extent, but the captain is really young," said Hopkins. "I don't know how experienced you can be when he's only 21 or so. ... The oldest one is only about 32 or 33."
Hopkins said the crew probably had survival suits aboard. However, he said fishermen don't wear them while they're working because they restrict movement.
He said the Canadian Coast Guard reported seeing the capsized hull of the vessel, but Ryan couldn't confirm that.
As for the life-raft, Hopkins said the U.S. Coast Guard aircrew spotted it using infrared equipment.
"They haven't seen anything since," he said in telephone interview from his home. "They're the only ones who saw the life-raft."
Transport Canada records show the vessel is owned by Katlin Todd Nickerson of Woods Harbour, who Hopkins identified as the captain.
The fishing boat, made from moulded reinforced plastic, was by built Hubbie's Boat Builders Ltd. of Clark's Harbour, N.S., in 2006, the records say.
The warden of the Municipality of Barrington, Eddie Nickerson, said the community of 7,000 was waiting anxiously for any news from searchers.
"I know all of the boys that were on the boat," he said in an interview. "It's a fragile situation."
Nickerson said he believes all five men come from different families, but most of them come from the Woods Harbour area.
"I just can't picture myself in the position of the families," he said.
"(But) it's good that much of the community is very supportive around here. Friends and family have gathered at the families' homes. They're all comforting each other and doing what they can do to make a terrible situation a little more comfortable."
Nickerson said a candlelight vigil was planned for Monday evening at the Calvary United Baptist Church in Lower Woods Harbour.
The municipality officially describes itself as the "Lobster Capital of Canada." Its website says the community is "rooted in tradition and shaped by the sea."
The overnight storm that swept through the Maritimes knocked out power for thousands of Nova Scotians and schools were cancelled in parts of the province Monday.
At Baccaro Point in southwestern Nova Scotia, wind gusts were recorded at 80 to 90 kilometres per hour throughout the night and much of Monday morning.
Stewart Franck, executive director of the Fisheries Safety Association of Nova Scotia, said the industry needs to find ways to prevent accidents at sea.
"There's sadness, but you also get a little bit angry because we hope to avoid these things," said Franck, whose non-profit association represents approximately 1,300 companies in the province.
"I'm sad that we're not there yet as far as an industry. ... Our hopes and prayers and best wishes go to the family and friends of the crew and the community."
Read more: http://atlantic.ctvnews.ca/search-underway-for-fishermen-after-boat-capsizes-off-n-s-1.1161129#ixzz2LRgFnnzO
I am not going to offer up any speculation regarding the how or why of this most recent tragedy. For one, I was not there. For another, as the facts and figures come in, the truth will be plain enough to see. There is no need for anyone to pass judgement on a condemned man.
I will however go so far as to say that nobody I have ever known could be considered a seasoned master at the tender age of 22. I have no doubt whatsoever that these five young men were sterling characters and obviously hard workers. The life of a fisherman is not one for slackers. Enthusiasm and a healthy work ethic however cannot take the place of experience and sound judgement at sea. Ultimately, a skipper is the sole person responsible for the safety of his vessel and his crew. It's all part of the 'burden of command'. His decisions affect many, as this situation makes only too plain.
It is sufficient to say that we mourn their loss and send our thoughts to their families and friends in Wood's Harbour.
Talk about a way to set the mood for the day. I just received a call from a woman down Barrington way in Nova Scotia. She was asking for information on whom she would speak to, regarding lighting a re-built lighthouse (Seal Island Light) down there, as a memorial to the five young lads who were recently lost on the fishing vessel ‘Miss Ally’. I transferred her to the head office for Aids to Navigation in Dartmouth.
‘Tis a sad way to start the day indeed…
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
So I have been monitoring myself a little closer these days, all in an effort to develop a better feel for how I am doing. It has been a radical shift from simply disregarding things that affect me on an ongoing basis. I believe I haven’t bothered cataloging the list of pains and aches I experience on a daily basis, simply because it would be a continuous exercise.
I find it immeasurably hard to break myself of this habit of ignoring what ails me. My character is such that when confronted with adversity, the reflex is to just push through it. Military training demanded it. Discomfort? Fatigue? Push through it… be a man… grow a pair… suck it up… show some intestinal fortitude… don’t wimp out… keep up the side… don’t let us down… if this was easy, civilians could do it… we’re counting on you…
So bearing in mind the era where I grew up, the social conventions of the time and the stereotypes we were bombarded with, coupled with 21 years of military service, it is not surprising in the least that I have trouble at times separating ‘the myth from the man’. I think the key word here is going to be honesty. To be honest with myself. That I am perhaps tired of carrying around this mantle of seeming-invincibility. That there are many times where I find myself reflecting on how much these recent events have exacted from me. That try as I might, I will never recover that physical person that I was.
I know I have no other option but to come to terms with this new reality. But I can also try to appreciate and fully understand the ramifications of all this. There has yet to be a night where shifting my position in bed has not caused me pain of some sort. I cannot lie on one side for too long, lest the building discomfort wake me up. So I spend most nights shifting from one side to the other. There has yet to be a day when I can walk without getting grief from either my legs, my hips, my knees or my ankles. When it comes to climbing or descending stairs, it is always done slowly, with great deliberation and trepidation. I still harbor this unreasoning dread (to me…) of falling. My knees and hips are normally the most affected by this particular exercise.
As for my right hand which was broken, it has become a prognosticator of weather patterns, thanks to arthritis which invariably turns up as the weather changes. Still, it is usable so there’s always that. The left side of my body remains very much the worse affected part of me, however. My shoulder and arm provide a constant source of pain and discomfort and together with my left leg, the greatest of my limitations. This current status has been described by many medical professionals, as something which will not resolve itself over time. So that is the upshot of it…
I have come to terms with these facts, yes. But I have also come to terms with the fact that it is okay for me to feel, own and process whatever emotions I might experience as a result of all this. Yes, it’s okay for me to feel sad and disheartened at times. It is okay for me to feel angered and resentful that I have had, that we have had to live through this. I am purposefully refraining from commenting on the utter financial chaos that being off work for well over a year has occasioned. It’s okay for me to feel frustrated and vengeful about how our lives have been forever changed, simply because of a lack of attention, of boneheaded stupidity on the part of a total stranger. It’s also more than okay if I sometimes admit to being no more than a simple man, who at times feels all too frail and unsure as to whether he can cope with these changes in his life.
I don’t mean to sound melodramatic here, but until recently I was of the opinion that I could just bluff my way through the bad days. Put up a brave front, pretend that none of this could or was getting me down. I of course have been doing this for the sake of those around me, those outside the actual theatre of events. “Don’t concern yourselves about me… nothing to see here…”. Yet this was always done at the expense of my own feelings and emotions. I was constantly forcing myself to suppress how I was really feeling, in order to reassure others. Or maybe it was just to avoid boring the Hell out of them. Let’s face it, who wants to hear about another person’s problems…? I don’t know why I felt this compunction to do this, I just do. But again, it’s something I’m working on.
I can tell that all this is taking its toll on me. This last week I have been totally devoid of energy. It’s like I’m running out of gas. I’m no different than many other people, I reckon. I could really use some time off but can’t quite afford the time off. I’d love to take a vacation somewhere, but can’t afford the travel. So we live for better days, making the best of each of our present ones in the meantime. I remain a somewhat incurable optimist, but one who has finally embraced his right to care for himself and embrace his own emotions. For good or ill…
Friday, February 15, 2013
So on the 31st of January, I attended a court meeting called an Examinations for Discovery session. This is where my lawyer and I sit down with a court reporter and the lawyer representing the other side in this ongoing legal action pursuant to the bike accident in July of 2010. I spent 4 hours being grilled by the opposing legal counsel, on everything to past history, health, medical history, finances, employment, family, the accident itself, the memory of coming to in the recovery room and what life has been like since. I suppose this is the first time since that event, where I have spent so much time immersed in the details of what happened and how it actually impacted me and those around me.
I have come to realize that when we suffer such an event, we seek to ‘compartmentalize’ it and store it away somewhere. We want to forget about it. Pretend it never happened, maybe. Perhaps because we feel that it is simply too immense to confront head on. To deal with it openly and honestly. Even though I am reminded at every turn, with every action I do during the run of a normal day. As we were discussing the accident, my 3-week stay in the trauma unit and my subsequent move to a convalescence home, I was quite suddenly overcome with emotion. It was at once a deep sadness, combined with a feeling of sincere gratitude for people like my first Physio-Terrorist and the attending staff of convalescent home, who started me down this road to recovery. I think it was the first time that I had been able to step back from it all and see myself as I was at the time. I do believe it was the first time I had allowed myself to feel any compassion for me. And I cried. We had to take a short break while I went for a smoke to regain my composure. Had I been on my own when I experienced this epiphany, I probably would have cried for the remainder of the afternoon.
I remembered with vivid clarity how very helpless I was and felt. How very reliant and dependent I had become on the care and well-meaning of others. It was truly a most humbling experience. Most of my energies were spent on presenting a brave face for my spouse and my caregivers. Their jobs were hard enough, why burden them with my fears or negative energy? I was entirely focused on rest and healing. Whatever was asked of me, I was more than happy to comply with. I was on a mission. But through this entire process, I never took the time out to grieve over what had happened. Over what both my wife and I had and were being forced to endure. I’m not necessarily talking about feeling sorry for myself, although perhaps some folks would look at it that way. But simply acknowledging the pain, the fear, the helplessness, the frustration, the anger that such a life-altering event carries with it. All those emotions have remained safely locked up inside me and I thought I was doing just fine, thank you very much. Clearly I still have much work to do. I have noticed that since the accident, my emotions flow in rivers just below my skin. It doesn’t take much to set me off these days. Obviously my body, my mind and my soul are telling me that they still have some way to go in dealing with all of this. It was basically, a watershed moment. Figuratively as much as literally. We have learned much in the last couple of years, because of the accident and it’s continuing fallout. It continues to be a learning experience…
I have since shared these thoughts and feelings with those who have been working with me throughout this ordeal. It has been suggested and I totally agree, that by addressing and discussing this more often, it will aid in de-fusing some of these emotions and lessening their effects on me.
For as much as it has been agreed that I have made some remarkable progress physically, it appears clear that on a psychological level I am only coming to terms with the work that remains ahead of me. I occasionally suffer from day-mares, where for no explicable reason my mind will start playing a movie of me involved in some horrific motorcycle-related incident. It doesn’t always mirror what presumably happened to me during the accident, but the effect is such that I find my heart rate elevated, my breathing becoming labored and I am temporarily filled with this feeling of dread. Almost like what one experiencing a panic attack might feel. Or maybe exactly that… I have no way of knowing, as I have never experienced these feelings before.
I do know that for the longest time after first being able to clamber into our SUV, I was extremely nervous as a passenger and would often have what can only be termed as ‘flashbacks’. I would stiffen or contort myself noticeably in the seat when confronted with these visions and my wife would take notice. She herself would become somewhat alarmed and invariably ask me: “What’s wrong…?” Initially, I didn’t know what to reply. I finally managed to explain what was happening to me and the frequency with which these visions occurred. Eventually when we both became familiar with ‘the routine’, she would see me tense up and simply say: “You’re back there, huh?” I would nod and we would carry on. What else could we do…?
These days it feels as though there is still so much to contend with on a daily basis. It feels as though I don’t have time to do what I must/should be doing. I rush and I rush. Either to work, on break, to lunch, inhale food as time allows, rush back to work, rush home. But even there, there are social obligations, paperwork, record-keeping, appointments to be tracked, logged, anticipated… There is simply no time. No space…
Every trip up or down the stairs of our home, is a poignant reminder of how my life has changed. The same applies for rolling out of bed in the morning. Some days are better than others, but they all come with their share of aches and pains. I enjoy the exercise that simply walking provides, but this too comes at a cost. I still believe that the benefits outweigh the owies experienced, though.
I will periodically revisit this topic in the coming weeks and months. If for no other reason than my own welfare, or perhaps for those who are living through similar circumstances.