Thursday, May 14, 2009

Islamic lies my father told me...


From the pages of Pakistan's DAWN newspaper today, I found the following enlightening article by Dr. Tariq Rahman. It provides somewhat of an insider's view of several beliefs which are commonly-held by many Muslims in Pakistan. I am acutely aware that this online version of their newspaper, is meant for foreign consumption. Are we being fed the truth of what they actually think, or a convenient package of bullshit? I guess it's up to each individual to make up their own mind on this...

A cobweb of myths
Dr Tariq Rahman
Thursday, 14 May, 2009 08:32 AM PST

http://www.dawn.com/wps/wcm/connect/dawn-content-library/dawn/news/home/

NOW that a military operation is going on in the Malakand Division it is imperative that it should be supported by the people and that the IDPs should be looked after with all resources at hand and be treated with compassion and respect.

Unfortunately, we have many myths and conspiracy theories which prevent clear thinking and that need to be debunked.

Myth 1: America wants our nuclear weapons and is destabilising Pakistan through the Taliban.

This myth is dangerous because those who subscribe to it also believe that America pays the Taliban to destabilise Pakistan to create an excuse to take away our nuclear weapons. This makes it difficult for the government to fight the Taliban while accepting American aid as the whole thing seems to be a cruel hoax to ordinary Pakistanis.

The US has over 5,400 nuclear warheads and it is thousands of kilometres away from this country. Moreover, it allowed Pakistan to develop these weapons. America would not gain if Pakistan is destabilised because then Al Qaeda would be strengthened and that would threaten America.

During the 1971 war America warned India not to overrun (West) Pakistan because it was not in America’s interest to destabilise South Asia any further. In 1999 during the Kargil episode America helped Pakistan to cut its losses without further bloodshed.

During the Afghan war the US wanted to defeat the Soviet Union and paid Pakistan to do so. Pakistan helped because it needed the military aid and money (and Ziaul Haq wanted American support). And now, once again, America wants to defeat the Islamic militants because they threaten America and Pakistan needs the money. That is what the Kerry-Lugar bill is for and that is precisely why the IMF and the Friends of Pakistan consortium have lent Pakistan billions of dollars. It is not in America’s interest to destabilise Pakistan because if it breaks up or is Talibanised it will be a threat to America.

So, while America’s policies might not be the most productive, it makes no sense to claim that the Taliban are US agents in a conspiracy against our nuclear weapons.

Myth 2: Nothing gets done in Pakistan unless America wants it to happen.

This is a different version of the previous myth and it is not true. No country is so powerful that it can get everything done. Pakistan made friends with communist China against America’s wishes. Later, it was the US which sought American help to develop its own relations with China. Pakistan also developed nuclear weapons against American wishes. During the lawyers’ movement America was a supporter of Musharraf until he turned weak and it was no longer in America’s interest to support him.

Myth 3: The Taliban want Islam in the country but their approach is wrong.

This depends on personal interpretations of the Sharia. The Taliban want to impose their version of it. However, it is not only a matter of approach, it is also a matter of the interpretation of the Sharia. In fact the Taliban version of the Sharia would make life joyless for all and a torture for women. Secondly, the country would lose a pool of talent to other countries. Thirdly, productivity would decrease as Pakistan would be isolated.

Fourthly, science and technology, indeed all knowledge, would suffer as creative minds would be stifled in an atmosphere of fear. Fifthly, either the US or India or Iran would be so alarmed as to attack us or stop all foreign aid to us because such a regime would be a threat to their way of life and religious practices. Lastly, the Taliban is a name for disparate groups and gangs. They would fight for power, making us another Afghanistan.

Myth 4: If Nato forces withdraw from Afghanistan there will be peace.

Nato forces should withdraw from Afghanistan as a matter of principle but this will not end Talibanisation. Indeed, if Nato forces withdraw, parts of Afghanistan will be ruled by the Taliban once again. If Pakistan sides with them it will be isolated by the rest of the world. If it does not, it will have a hostile neighbour. In either case the Taliban worldview will be strengthened in Pakistan.

The groups seeking power in order to enforce Taliban-style Sharia in Pakistan will continue their attempt to succeed. This will mean that the danger to girls’ schools, women’s freedom of choice in moving around, dress code, art and music will remain under threat.

However, in addition to the principle that one does not want any country to occupy another, one would want America to withdraw since the occupation creates a backlash. So, even at the risk of strengthening the Talibanisation of the Pashto-speaking areas our government and thinkers should raise their voice for a Nato withdrawal. When this happens Pakistan will find it easier to fight the Taliban because Pakistanis will stop calling it an anti-colonial war.

Myth 5: Islamic militancy is created by poverty and ignorance.

This is only partly true. The family background of Osama bin Laden, Ayman al-Zawahiri and Abu Musaib al-Zarqawi (killed in 2006) — all leading lights of Islamic militancy — cannot be called a poverty-stricken one. Osama’s family is among the richest globally. Zawahiri comes from a distinguished Egyptian family. Zarqawi’s father was an army officer and mayor of a town in Jordan called Zarqa.

Nor is the leadership illiterate. All were educated though not in the liberal arts or the social sciences. The fact is that their ideas about using militancy to defeat what is perceived as western domination (called ‘Crusaders’ by them) and the corrupt ruling elites of the Muslim world emanate from Sayyid Qutb of the Muslim Brotherhood and Abd al-Salam Faraj of Egypt. Indeed, they go back to Taqi Uddin Ibu Taymiyya (1263-1328) who lived during the tumultuous time of the Mongol invasions.

The leadership disseminates ideas about the permanent grievances of Muslims, such as Israel’s domination of Palestinian land, to young people who burn with a sense of outrage. Here the poverty nexus does come in since the ordinary rank and file of militant movements come from poor, unhappy, violence-prone households. They want money, respect and justice and these are promised to these deprived angry young men. They then become cannon fodder for the militants.

If we understand these and other myths and realise that we have created our own Frankensteins and not foreign countries; that most of the militants are our people and not foreigners (though some are); that foreign countries may help militants but are not powerful enough to keep them alive for ever; that we made mistakes in the past of which we are reaping the harvest — then we can still make Pakistan safe for our children.


*********************************

One has to wonder if the author here is merely feigning ignorance of the West's options, when it comes to the Taliban taking control of Pakistan's nuclear arsenal, or simply refusing to contemplate it. I would think he realizes only too well what might happen, but refuses to say or publish it, for fear of generating a panic.

The average man or woman on the street in Pakistan? I don't think they have the mental wherewithall to piece together what the future may hold in store for them, should the Talib take over. They know very little if anything about the world that surrounds them. Elsewise you would certainly not see the level of blatant apathy which exists vis-à-vis the Taliban and their push to take over their country.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

"Hey... who owns that boat??"


So we get this call on the OBS line today, from some lad in Alberta. He has seen a picture of a boat for sale somewhere and based simply on the boat's license number, he wants us to provide him with the owner's name, address, phone number, etc... Pretty funny, really.

First of all, this lad has obviously never heard about the Privacy Act. Amongst other things, it dictates how various federal departments and agencies protect and safeguard your personal information. It's also the body of federal law that dictates how other entities and businesses must do the same.

So no, there is no way to obtain that information, short of a formal request to the ATIP coordinator (Access to Information and Privacy Coordinator) for either Service Canada or Transport Canada.

What's an ATIP do? Each federal organization subject to the Access to Information Act and the Privacy Act has an access to information and privacy coordinator, and must provide access to the records for which it is responsible, while protecting the personal information contained in these records.

The Treasury Board of Canada Secretariat's Information and Privacy Policy Division administrates the Access to Information and Privacy Acts, provides related information and publishes Info Source, a series of publications destined to assist individuals in exercising their rights under the Access to Information Act.

Transport Canada's Office of the Access to Information and Privacy Coordinator processes requests for information made under the Access to Information Act and the Privacy Act and carries out related functions on behalf of Transport Canada.

There is a $5 fee (non-taxable) for each request for information made under the Access to Information Act. This fee is payable to the receiver general for Canada by cheque or money order.

Depending on the request, additional fees may be charged. When this is the case, applicants are notified of any additional charges before their request is processed.

There are no fees for requests for information made under the Privacy Act.

Applicants must use the Access to Information Request or Personal Information Request forms to submit their requests for information.

These forms are available through the Office or on-line through the Treasury Board of Canada Secretariat's Information and Privacy Policy Division and should preferably be submitted by mail. So no, you can't phone it in...

Applicants who cannot obtain the appropriate forms may send a letter in lieu of the forms stating that they are submitting their request under the Access to Information Act or the Privacy Act.

Federal organizations must process requests for information within 30 days of the date of receipt. If an extension is required, the organization must notify the applicant within that time period.

So there you have it. A crash course in applying to obtain information from any federal government entity. Just remember that YOU DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO ALL INFORMATION HELD BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. Surely nobody could be stupid enough to believe that they do, but I'm just puttin' it out there... in case. Like, do YOU have the right to access any personal information files on ME? Don't make me laugh... You have access to some of the federal files that hold information on YOU, yes... But not the other way around, obviously.

Want the mailing address for any ATIP coordinator in the government? Call 1 800 O Canada (1-800-622-6232, 8am - 8pm, Mon. - Fri.)

On the Tamil protestors...


One thing that should be made clear from the onset here, is that when you move to this country from wherever you come from, you owe us one and all, the courtesy and respect of which all civilized people are deserving. You implicitly agree to follow our laws and regulations and to respect OUR culture and beliefs. You don't have to adopt our religion, but your coming here in the first place instead of heading somewhere else, implies that you also share our beliefs.

Whatever hatreds and dysfunctions are a part of your particular culture, WE DO NOT WANT AND WILL NOT ACCEPT THESE HERE IN CANADA. Like those sicko Palestinians in Montreal who attacked Jewish students, simply because of their religion. Thousands of Canadians went overseas during the Second World War and gave their lives, fighting this very disease. And now we would allow such scum to freely immigrate here? I don't fucking think so... Just as in the fields of Europe and the streets of Berlin, these individuals ought to be shot on sight.

The Tamil Tigers of Elam have been branded as a terrorist group. Not just by the US, but by the UN and Canada as well. Period! That's it... There is no debating the point. For those who may live in either Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver and who actively support this outlaw group: Fuck you! If you want to continue your personal war, that's fine... so long as you conduct it on Sri Lankan soil. Take your bullshit out of MY country!

These morons pulled the same stunt here in Ottawa, causing a snarl of traffic in front of Parliament Hill. I simply avoided the area but there were many other less fortunate who had to go through there on their way to or from work or home. It simply cannot stand. It's well beyond the point of acceptability. And the less the authorities do to contain or curtail these activities, the greater the eventuality that the masses will have no choice but to take matters into their own hands.

For those of you who think that the government of a free and democratic nation such as Canada would come to the rescue of such a terrorist group: What are you using to think with? How stupid are you? And for you to take to the streets and misuse the freedoms which have been granted to you in this country, to thumb your nose at our forms of legal demonstration and flaunt your lawlessness? You have some kind of nerve! Then again, perhaps such happenings are indeed a good thing. Maybe the indignation and anger of decent, law-abiding Canadians will make it's way to their elected representatives and finally force us to re-examine our immigration policies yet again...

There are some residents of Toronto who are all for these displays of contempt for Canadian law and order. They mistakenly believe that championing the cause of a recognized terrorist group on Canadian soil and our rights to free speech and peaceful demonstration, are one and the same. They also believe that anyone is permitted any excess in order to get their point across, like swarming the Gardiner Expressway during rush hour. They are far too ready turn this country over to anyone who would threaten them. They are cowards of the worst kind.

Then too, if you had been born here and tried such a foolhardy move as swarming the Gardiner Expressway, you would end up in jail so fast you'd have windburn. The law enforcement officials by the inaction, basically provided tacit approval of the demonstration. Some may argue that the police's responsibility was to prevent violence. Bullshit! The police are there to enforce the law. That would include halting/breaking up any illegal demonstration, to say nothing of keeping vital traffic arteries open and flowing. They gave up. They retreated in the face of the mob. The mob won. And had the mob wanted to do anything else, emboldened as they no doubt were by the police's cowering, the Toronto Metropolitain Poilice force could have done nothing to stop them.

It would be the Army called in to clear the snow all over again. Christ on a stick!! Is there nothing that Toronto is actually capable of doing for itself? Seriously???

This is just another case of the tail wagging the dog, very much the same as our dealings with the ever-present 'threat' of Quebec separation. Well here's something to chew on... You can go right ahead and call me a racist and/or a bigot. That seems to be the trendy nickname these days for anyone who shows some kind of proof that they still have a backbone and a voice. Those of us who are not afraid to use these to make known their discontent at being treated like third-class citizens in their own fucking country!

Well guess what? Here's a news flash for you lot... My (our) rights and freedoms come first. If that means a call to arms right here on our own soil, then so be it. Maybe it's time for us as Canadians to re-earn what our ancestors gave their lives for. We don't have to travel as far as Afghanistan to find the enemies of our country. It is certainly time for a change in style of government, where we can find leaders (not politicians) willing to protect our rights and freedoms, our culture...our country. This would be far preferable to having our own culture ridiculed and minimized, in favour of those of recently arrived foreigners. I for one am bloody sick of it...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

So you wanna be a 'Captain', eh?


Every now and then we receive e-mails from those who are looking to attain the title of 'captain'. The title of captain simply means the person who has control of the boat. Not to oversimplify things however... The person who has control of any boat or vessel, is also the person who is legally responsible for it and for everyone onboard.

The term captain, in the military and merchant navies of the world, is in fact a more than just a title. In the Navy it is both a rank and an appointment as the person commanding a warship. In the world of commercial vessels, it is also the title of the person commanding the ship, though their Marine Safety Certificate as issued by Transport Canada, would read: Master. In the United States, it is the US Coast Guard which issues professional certification for mariners.

In the USA, there are courses referred to as 'captain's courses'. These are courses which here in Canada, would be accredited by Transport Canada (Marine Personnel Standards and Pilotage Branch) and would qualify someone to hold the title of Master for a vessel of up to 100 Tons. A far cry from our little Boating Safety course. Information on such a course can be viewed at the link below:

http://www.maritimeinstitute.com/OnLineCourses.html

Here in Canada, there exist numerous private training centres which exist to provide all levels of nautical training to our budding Horatio Nelsons. How proficient you want to become as a 'mariner', is equally proportional to the velocity of your wallet. The entities that issue accreditation for various levels of expertise in operating a pleasure craft, are all private associations. They are NOT government entities.

One such nautical training centre is Buckeye Marine in the Kawarthas region. Here is a spiel taken from their company's website, on which they too offer so-called "captian's courses".

"Buckeye is pleased to offer hands-on driver training for captains of all types and abilities. We specialize in hands-on courses that teach captains the skills needed (at a mere $60.00 per hour...) to feel at ease behind the wheel. All of our courses are taught by certified professionals and are focused on an enjoyable, safe learning experience. Courses range from beginner to advanced, and are customized to suit the needs of every boater. We offer specific courses for women and youth as well as courses that focus on and teach specific functions such as locking through and docking to ensure the very best learning environment possible. We are sure that we have a course to fit your boating needs...join us!"

You can check out Buckeye Marine's website at the link below:
http://www.buckeyemarine.com/content.asp?nav=97427&cpid=5172&

Clearly they are using the word captain in it's most generic meaning. As in: the person controlling the boat. There is an almost endless amount of information to ingest, if you want to be an honest-to-God captain. And seriously, that goes for any size vessel. From a 16-foot runabout to a 100-foot yacht. You must know the Rules of the Road (Collision Regulations), limitations and equipment requirements (Small Vessel Regulations), chart reading and navigation (Charts and Nautical Publications Regulations), seamanship and boat handling, as well as a sense for reading and interpreting weather. You must know how to operate your marine VHF radio, as well as how to maintain/repair your vessel as required.

If you don't know any of these disciplines on land, it's no biggie. You can simply start over and hope to do better. If you fail at any one of these disciplines at sea, there is a better than average chance that you will not be coming back. Again, if we're only talking about one individual, it's just natural selection. If that person has felt confident enough to bring friends and family along with him... aye, there's the tragedy in all this.

Sure, a lot of boaters out there want to fancy themselves as captains... master and commander, as they say. But there's a lot more to it than simply claiming to be one. And the responsibilities are enormous...

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

"Hey... turn the waves down!"



I could probably award this the "Call of the Week", even though it's only Tuesday. I may be tempting fate, but I would wager that no one stupider will call within the next 3 days. Listen to this one, if you enjoy humour...

One of our agents on the Boating Safety line received a call from a French-speaking gentleman from Québec City. This gentleman was making his way upstream apparently, no doubt with dreams of shadowing in the trail of such legendary greats as Pierre-Esprit Radisson and his brother-in-law, Médard Chouart Des Groseillers.

At any rate, this gent was enquiring about what number he had to call, so that the Coast Guard would make the large, ocean going ships which ply the seaway, slow down. Apparently their passage was creating waves which were inconveniencing this budding explorer. When our agent came to quiz me about this request, I was non-plussed. For a moment my brain refused to accept that what I was being told was the truth. Then of course, I laughed. Actually, so did everyone else who heard the question. Clearly our ceaseless pandering to these people's whims, has led to this current state of mind of theirs... Whatever they want, the 'gubmint' will do...

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I informed our young feller that as far as Mr. Man-in-the-Boat was concerned, his job in all of this, was to stay the f*%# out of the way of the big ships and navigate to avoid them and their wake. If the vessel he was in was being perilously rocked by the bigger vessels, this was Nature's way of saying: "Dude... you don't belong here, unless you're bucking for a Darwin Award". Clearly his boat is too small and frail, for navigating these waters. His solution? Apply common sense? Hell, no... I'll call the 'gubmint' and have them change the Earth's rotation to suit my personal wants. As a country, this is our fault. We have led them to expect this of us...

I then offered that this gent might call his regional Marine Communication and Traffic Services office, for information and notices on marine traffic in his area. If nothing else, they might be in a position of telling him straight up to get his friggin' skiff out of the water and take up knitting at home.

Monday, May 4, 2009

A tandem run to Merrickville...


The weather Gods were kind this weekend, providing two days of riding. Sunday saw a chance to hit the back roads with my son-in-law. We met up at our home and spent some time going over each other's ride. He has a beautiful red '07(?) VTX 1800F model. He's modified the airbox some, but still hasn't committed to the Kury or Tornado replacement air kit. He installed a set of aftermarket pipes and recently improved the baffles. It provides a nice snarl...

We lit out from there at around 1130hrs. We decided we would take the well-travelled road to Merrickville, with a stopover at the Tim's in Manotick. The pace was casual, as I don't think we ever really had the bikes above 90kmh during the entire ride. Whenever I caught myself creeping over that speed, I'd let off the throttle and we'd resume our loping style. We actually averaged 80kmh over most of the ride.

The weather couldn't have been better. A little cool but sunny, with a breeze flaring up every now and then... sometimes with some real oomph behind it. We didn't really get to spy many critters, asides from the ubiquitous earth-pigs and the odd wild turkey. But it was a very pleasant romp all the same. Every now and again, we would roll around a bend, to be greeted by some wonderful aromas of spring. Notably in farm country, where the soil had just been tilled. It was truly nice.

I rode lead on this journey and kept him in my right-hand rearview mirror. He followed the inside line with aplomb and precision. I found myself checking his stops and take-offs, after I had already left the line. I smiled approvingly as I watched him come to a dead stop, bike motionless and his feet still on the pegs. His departure was equally controlled and smooth. He rides well and I was not apprehensive on the few occasions where I found him riding very close on my starboard quarter.

Stopping in Manotick, we grabbed a small coffee each at Tim's. We met an older couple who were out for the day as well. He on a cookie-cutter Harley and his better half on a very stylish and well-appointed VTX 1300R. I complimented her on her ride and we also commented on the script on the back of her helmet, which read: "Bas Ass Toys Are Not Just For Bad Ass Boys!" As we stood in the parking lot, we chatted about riding and the weather, as riders always do on a nice day. They were both retired and had the world as their oyster. I thought of how nice that would be... We eventually bade one another a safe ride and saddled up.

The ride along the Rideau River Road is familiar. It's pleasantly scenic, with predictable curves and traffic patterns. There are some who grow tired of this route, but I'm not one of them. The challenge and excitement of a new road, a new destination, is always welcome. But there are only so many roads which lead to a specific destination. And today, that was Merrickville... Then too, there is something comforting about travelling down a well-known stretch of road. It can feel like meeting up with an old friend... it can conjure up memories of travels past.

I was anxious for us to get to the turn-off for Kemptville, which would lead us to the river's edge once more. My son-in-law had not taken this route before and to me, it was the most enjoyable part of the ride. It was normally taken at around 60kmh and it wound through farmland, horse farms, broad fields and charming stone houses. The road twists and bends, dips and rises as it snakes it's way through tableaus of peaceful and aromatic scenery, always with the Rideau River as a backdrop on the right-hand side.

Arriving at the end of Route 19 (Rideau River Road) we enter the small roundabout which would send us off towards downtown Kemptville, we encountered a little bit of construction, with a small trek through some gravel-strewn roadway. We picked our way through without incident and soon were cruising past the McEwen's gas station, on our way to the intersection of Rte. 43 and Rideau Street. At the lights, we hung a right and trundled off down Rte. 44 and finally, banking left onto River Road which would take us into Merrickville. We passed the big right-hand turn at Acton Corners and the second one further down, where River Road meets Rte. 23. I always enjoy passing by the riding schools and their many paddocks on this section of road, where one can always observe some fine horses either grazing or engaged in literal horseplay. The road surface was great, the scenery beautiful.

Coming off the River Road, we rode a brief stint along Main Street East, which in actual fact is Rte. 43. Before long, we were cruising under the little train bridge and entering Merrickville proper. As we pulled up in front of the Goose and Gridiron on St.Lawrence Street, we found a vacant parking spot right outside the front doors. It was as though it had been pre-ordained.

Over lunch, we brought each other up to speed on what all we were up to, he briefed me on a riding club he had hooked up with recently and we discussed the better points of living 'off the grid', as well as a variety of upcoming rides. Outside, the sun was just getting warmer all the time. After settling up the tab, we headed out for a meander down the street. We couldn't help but admire how good the bikes looked in the bright sunshine, as they rested there side by each.

We took a stroll down to the village's notorious fudge shop, where he bought a half-pound of goodness to bring home with him. I demured, as I still had a pound or so sitting on the kitchen counter, courtesy of my last visit there. We were just leaving when I spied this wonderfully carved wooden rabbit, perched in the display window facing the street. I had not seen it from the outside as we entered. It was very lifelike and I felt that my lady might like it's company around the house, seeing how fond we both are of our own visiting rabbits out back. I snatched it from it's perch and had the clerk wrap it for the trip home. We meandered back towards our trusty steeds and began suiting up for the ride back.

We decided to exit via the village's back road, hooking up with Route 16. This route followed basically the same road back, but on the opposite side of the Rideau River. It would eventually take us onto Prince of Wales Drive. We kept the pace mellow and enjoyed rolling along through the countryside, surrounded by small farms, fields and trees... all dressed in the varigated soft greens of spring. There were no tense moments, no near misses, no cagers doing the ridiculously stupid... It was great! All too soon however, we had once more hooked up with Prince of Wales and were cruising past Barrhaven, on our way back into town.

We parted company at Hunt Club, with me veering towards the airport. Down Limebank, left along the airport road, right down Bowesville. Retracing roads I've taken dozens and dozens of times, each one a new physio session, these days. Building my strength, my ability, my capacity, my endurance. All in preparation for that one day when we will strike South, towards the Blue Ridge Parkway and beyond.


Friday, May 1, 2009

You want jellied what...???


So I was standing over in line at the Sausage Kitchen here in the Market, fondly known as the "Heart Attack Shack". I was patiently waiting to order a couple of pieces of their wonderful chicken and perhaps some cole slaw, just to take the curse off.

An older gent was standing perusing their glassed-in display, which holds all their assortment of cold meats. One of the girls on the other side was waiting for him to make his selection. All of a sudden, his face brightened as though he had spotted gold. He began waving at the woman behind the counter and pointing excitedly at the coveted object: "Oh... there! The jellied tongue!!"

For a second, I had to replay his words in my head, just to make sure I had gotten them down right. "Jellied"...and "tongue"... Now I'm not one to shy away from trying new foods and to be truthful, I can remember eating tongue when I was a young lad. Then again, I was also introduced to 'head cheese', la graisse de rôti and other peculiar French-Canadian favorites as well. But for some reason this day, it struck a somewhat dissonant chord within my brainbox.

The 'tongue' part was compounded by the use of the adjective: 'jellied'. Sort of a culinary double whammy. As if someone might mention eating robin's eggs and dog turds in the same breath. I found myself grinning like a hyena. I could hear this narrative voice inside my head screaming: "Nothing says yummy like a big plate of jellied tongue!", while outside it began raining cow tongues coated with inches of eel slime. Women screamed, children cried and clung desperately to their mothers' skirts...

Was this lad buying it to serve for supper, due to yet another unannounced and equally unwanted surprise visit by his mother-in-law? Was there someone he had an axe to grind against, and this was to be their just comeuppance? I couldn't for the life of me imagine normal folks ingesting this stuff. Maybe when they were done with the jellied tongue hors-d'oeuvres, their jaws distended to engulf live guinea pigs, like 'Diana' in the wonderfully campy '80s TV miniseries "V", revealing them to be in fact aliens from some far-distant planet, who had long coveted Earth's water supply...

My daydreaming was interrupted by Ivanka, who took my order for the buck-buck and coleslaw. I turned and grinned at Mr. Jellied Tongue, who was still enraptured with his find. Hmmm... no antennae that I can spot from here. Ah well... to each his own, I mused. I took my order, paid for it and adopted a perch at the window facing the street. The sun was shining, the streets were full of people who had better things to do than work and it was Friday. Life was good... aliens and all.